seasonsrpg | semi-open 💐 I had to fall to lose it all

[ kaveh feels himself start to fall apart. n- no. he can do this. he has to do this. he'll fix mehrak. he just needs time. kaveh nods almost robotically at ayato, clearly only half paying attention at this point, but he brings a hand to his forehead to act as a veil as tears roll down his cheeks to drop either onto the table or into his coffee. ]

No. [ he says a little too quickly. ] I... I have what I, I need... I just, the rest is up to me.

{ he grits his teeth, because as much as kaveh may try to bring a barrier between his face and ayato, the table getting wet alongside the way his voice changes is enough of a sign.

he has seen him cry before, after all. }

You don't have to pretend to be alright if you aren't yet, Kaveh. { what a fucking hypocrite. he's aware of it this time, at least, when his hand reaches out only to drop towards the table. he can't bring himself to actually touch him, if only because he knows what it felt like to be grabbed as well.

so his hand just clenches on the table and he looks away. }

[ save, of course, for the occasional sniffle kaveh doesn't respond. he needs to pull himself together first, which takes a little bit longer than he'd like. eventually though... ] But I do, because I can't imagine I will ever be alright. [ he slides a thumb under his eyes to swipe at the tears, looking across the table at ayato with a heated stare. his anger isn't directed at ayato. it's at himself, because moving on has always been difficult for him. kaveh had already been lugging around enough baggage... and now he's got more. a lot more. ] ...that's not something I can just bounce back from. Maybe if it was... quick and painless, but... [ his tone cracks and he goes quiet, shaking his head. ] but it wasn't...

{ he can feel the stare on himself, but he doesn't look. he can't. }

I'm aware.

{ that's all he can bring himself to say though, despite all the words kaveh puts into explaining why he's trying to normalise himself for this. he can't give words of comfort, that it 'will get better' because he's struggling to see how as well at the moment. }

I still don't feel right. [ "right". what even is right? he doesn't know. ] I think I might have left a part of myself back at the mansion. [ and, no, he doesn't mean literally ~~even though that's absolutely the case~~. ]

{ his mouth opens. closes. he swallows hard as the words trigger memories of his own to the point his hand moves to his mouth this time.

there wasn't anything left is all he can think, so he takes his time before responding. }

In what way?

I... I don't think I'll be able to explain it. I haven't thought about it much. I, I honestly haven't been trying to think about it much, but... I might be here, but I still don't feel... completely here... and maybe that's not so much a physical thing as much as a mental or emotional thing - like I'm still anchored to that place because of how it's weighing on me, but... [ he shakes his head, giving a snort as he trails off. ]

I see. { in a way he gets it. he's doing better than yesterday, when he'd had to speak to lumine and aether about it. he'd wanted them, at least, to know. but perhaps he should have waited because his mind is all over the place as well. }

I think I can understand. { and then his voice becomes almost a whisper. } The hallucinogens may be partly to blame.

[ said just as quietly, ] Did you hallucinate too? ...what did that awful place show you?

{ his head shakes slightly. }

I didn't need to. { but it takes him a little time to explain, guilt gnawing at him even now. }

In the end I was worried that Thoma and Alhaitham would try to find us... so I phoned Thoma.

... [ he sets his hands on the table, nails raking over the wood as he lets a new wave of guilt wash over him. he hadn't even thought about phoning alhaitham. surely he could have spared a few minutes while the ghosts took care of most of the preparations. he looks down at the table. ] A good call. And one that likely saved their lives.

No. { his voice cracks just slightly as he responds, his hands pick at the cold toast, eyes dipping to the plate. } I should have just messaged saying we would be delayed and have no signal, because... { his eyes shift to the room behind them, to where thoma is sat with alhaitham in the other room. } I made things much worse.

[ kaveh doesn't turn to look because he doesn't need to. he knows where ayato's gaze has landed - on the room with their boyfriends. ] We don't know that. [ he swallows thickly, his hands moving from the table to his lap, fingers fumbling for a few minutes, before he locks them together in an attempt to keep them still. ] ...Alhaitham, he... would have known something was up. I'm sure of it. 3 days... [ that much of a delay? with no signal?? ] Lying... n- not lying but... withholding the truth, I... I don't know. [ he falls silent. he thinks it would have been worse, but obviously he's not on the other side. he doesn't even know what the hell is best for himself right now, so how can he speak for another perspective. ] I don't know.

Kaveh. { his voice sounds almost, just almost, edging towards pleading. } I didn't even finish telling him- { He cuts himself off then, shaking his head. The rest of the sentence is rather implicit. I didn't even finish telling him before I died right there on the call. }

...sorry. I'm sorry. I'll stop. [ he stares into his lap as he goes dead silent. ayato doesn't have to finish that sentence. kaveh knows where he's going and he hates it just as much ( if not more so ) as the alternative. in the end it doesn't matter, since they were always going to hurt the people they love. ]

We should go back to talking about... Owlen...

{ he leans back, one arm curling to hold his elbow, the other staying near his mouth. he stares at the table, where the food starts to grow cold. }

I'm not sure what else there is to say.

...we can leave it at that then and just finish out breakfast. [ the breakfast we gave up on eating before we even began. ]

[ ayato's going to feel something tug on his pants from under the table, and if he takes a look he'll find a smol octocat sitting at his feet staring up at him. ]

Right.

{ he hasn't made a move for his drink yet, so he'll at least do that. but even tea doesn't bring the same soothing feeling it did before.

he thankfully has lowered the cup when he feels a tug, and he tries very hard to not jolt as the tug causes a panic in his stomach he doesn't want to think about, remembering too sharply the pull on his leg before- }

...a cat?

[ kaveh stands upright a little too quickly. ] A cat! [ the octocat takes its tentacle back and merely sits at ayato’s feet to meow, but kaveh is already hastily making his way over to try to shoo him away. ] I meant to remind Alhaitham to ask Tighnari to take him, but things… I’m sure you understand. I’m… I can’t imagine I’ve been anything but a handful [ a burden. ] and… the cat is…

[ it reaches out to grab at his ankle and kaveh bristles, looking like he might leap out of his skin. ]

[ he sets a hand on the table to brace himself. ] Fresh air, would you like to step outside for a minute with me. [ before he breaks out in hives. ]

{ it isn't its fault, really. when it looks up with pleading eyes and keeps reaching out. he may not be the animal whisperer thoma is, but he can see that much. it's just a shame both of them are too traumatised from being grabbed and- }

Do you have a balcony?

[ kaveh swallows down the bile rising in his throat as he nudges the cat aside. ] Go, p- please go. [ it seems to take the hint ( thankfully ) and kaveh leads ayato out onto the balcony. he folds his arms on the railing and leans on it, shutting his eyes as he takes a few deep breathes to calm himself down. ] I'm sorry about that.

{ hopefully the octocat will make its way to the other room, where two people there will be more than happy to be cuddled.

following kaveh out into the fresh air though, he'll lean back against the railing, letting his elbows rest there for now. }

You have nothing to apologise for.

{ honestly it feels better not having to face food as well. }

...no, that's... that's not true... [ kaveh sucks in a sharp breath as he squeezes his eyes shut that might tighter, tears once again actively rolling down his face. ] It's my fault that all of that happened. I'm sorry, Ayato, for... for everything. If you didn't... if we hadn't gone there, headed to the second floor, and chosen that third door... then, then maybe we could have made it out of there alive, but... [ he ducks his head, giving it aggressive shake as he mentally beats himself up about every decision made. ]

I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.

{ if he was thinking clearly, he should have expected this. from their quest together before as well, kaveh had blamed himself for his own injury. it's no wonder he's already slipping into that thought trap now. }

And it was my idea to even look for safe spots for the teleporters to be placed to begin with.

{ it's too early for either of them to be drunk, and he has no idea what actions could likely trigger kaveh, but he needs the other to know that he should not--cannot--take all the blame this time. he steps around to face him, a single finger presses under kaveh's chin, encourages him to look up so they can see eye to eye. he's careful the other can see him before his hand moves, the back of his fingers attempting to wipe tears away. }

Will you at least let me share some of that blame this time? You aren't alone in this.

[ it is never too early to get drunk, ayato. ]

[ he's doing to his best to avoid making eye contact, so as soon as ayato takes his chin in hand to tip his head back and force it kaveh is grabbing his wrist. his hand trembles, because he wants to jerk his head away and look aside so. damn. badly. ] Ay- Ayato. [ he shuts his eyes as he feels his finger swipe at the tears collecting beneath his eyes, wiping them away. ] I... I'm not alone, n- no, but you... there's no need, I... it's m- my fault... [ he tries to stand his ground, to continue shouldering the burden completely, but inevitably crumples into him - his arms coming up around ayato to hold him closely as he openly sobs. ]

[ he's not alone.
he's not alone.
he's not alone. ]

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