remember the day of grief

[wingbound]

WHO: Levi & various!
WHAT: Hange is gone from Ellipsa. Levi is feeling about it. Feel free to encounter him!
WHEN: June 6/7th and a few days after
WHERE: Solarpeak beach (late day), restaurant/bar in Solarpeak (early evening), Coldreach observatory (late evening), starter apartments building (few days later)
WARNINGS: sads :( also blanket AoT warnings (child soldiers, trauma no therapy, so much death, etc)

::

--1. Sun Sinks Into The Sea - open to anyone.

The thought has always been at the back of his mind. Never take good things for granted; everything can turn to shit in a moment. He'd hoped that they would have more time, though. At the very least, he had hoped that Hange would have more time, live the whole life they deserved to have here. But as always, even the most benevolent looking world has shittiness in it, and his heart sinks like a stone when the realization sinks in.

They're gone.

Somehow, it's almost worse a second time. Back home, cruelty was expected. People died, leaving nothing but memories and sometimes a mangled keepsake behind. But then they were here, and they'd been given hope. Death suddenly wasn't the end. They had another chance.

And now that too was ripped away.

Most of the day passes like in a trance. He stares at the message for what feels like hours, bitches out Olwen and demands Helene names the lake they'd found after Hange (which is approved). But the venting doesn't make him feel particularly better, though he's glad at least now more people will be able to remember their name. It's bittersweet, though. It doesn't bring them back.

He can only hope that Eren's theory is true. Jean and Mikasa did apparently visit other places like this before. Maybe Hange went to a different world rather than death back home.

But he can't know for sure. He might never know.

He goes about his morning tasks mechanically. He holds Erwin, suddenly anxious that he may too disappear as soon as Levi looks away. He cleans all three apartments until his knuckles bleed. He needs to keep moving or it just becomes too much.

Eventually he finds himself retracing the steps they took together, and so he finds himself at the beach of the Great Ocean Lake, crouching just out of the reach of the waves lapping at the shore, staring out into the horizon. A cane rests next to him.

He remembers the day they were all here, him, Hange and the kids, at something called a beach party. Hange had made a whole mess of themself, trying to scoop various sea creatures into a colourful plastic bucket, ignoring Levi's warnings. They'd ended up stung by poison noodles and Levi rushed them to a hospital in a panic with Eren's help. They hadn't learned anything, of course; at least not once the doctor assured there was no real danger.

He looks at the familiar rocks, forming a sort of natural bridge some meters deeper into the water. He can almost see Hange, pants rolled up, tip-toeing like a giant stork in the water, shoving disgusting sea creatures in his face, taking pictures. Slowly, he stands up and heads toward the rocks, jumping from stone to stone with some minor difficulty until he reaches the end of the rocky pier. He picks up a pebble and throws it into the ocean.

He thinks about the words they had spoken to each other the day they convinced him to oversee one of their experiments with Eren and after. As long as I have a say...

"You promised," he whispers under his breath. The ocean breeze stings in his eyes. He picks up another small stone, stands still like a statue for a moment, then lets out a growl of frustration and chucks it so hard it bounces off the water enough times that it's too far to be seen by the time it finally sinks under the surface.


--2. Sorrow In A Glass - open to anyone.

After finally leaving the beach his feet take him to a restaurant nearby where the Scouts had held a meeting of sorts shortly after his arrival. Hange had been excited about the bar, and against his better judgement, Levi sits down and orders the same monstrosity of a drink they had been sipping on back then.

Alcohol doesn't really affect him -- at least this amount isn't going to -- but he supposes it works on normal people. He's usually only seen it make them stupid, Commander Pixis being a notable exception to that rule, but there had to be a reason why they still did it, right? Maybe it made things hurt less. Wouldn't that be nice? He'd almost decided to test that theory, with Olwen tipping him off about Riki's potion, unfortunately the shop was apparently closed for renovating. Maybe he'd do that later. For now, he can still try to feel closer to Hange by taking part in something he knows they enjoyed.

It's probably poison anyway, so if he drinks a couple of them, maybe even he would feel it, right?

You can find him still sitting at the bar an hour later, elbows leaned on the counter, slowly sipping on a rainbow-colored cocktail that seems to go against just about everything from his style (all black today) to demeanor (surly and distant). There are several empty glasses of the same sort on the side by then, but there's not even a flush on his face; just a resigned deadness in his eyes... or maybe that's just his normal expression.

There's a cane leaned against the bar next to him. He's not sure how those things are related -- if they are at all -- but his leg had been hurting worse ever since he returned home from the chat with the city leaders. Maybe he overdid it scrubbing the floors; he had avoided that task for a reason, but now that Eren had moved out and Levi technically felt better he found little excuse not to do it himself. Maybe it's just one of those days. Maybe it's because he's not crying into his drink, and the outside has to match the inside in some way, he thinks bitterly, and sucks down more sickeningly sweet liquid. At least he's alive to feel that pain.

Hange isn't, unless they somehow lucked their way into another place like this. And what are the chances of that?


--3. Always Find Me Among The Stars - open to anyone.

When the shitty booze doesn't make this utter bullshit of a development make any more sense -- why now, why them, why was nobody able to do anything about sending people back to fucking die even though it has been months since the research started -- he heads for the final place that does. He often comes to the observatory -- to think, to reminisce, to simply stare up at the stars because he now could, after spending twenty six years in the dark of a cave. He'd been there to grieve and he'd been there to celebrate, too.

Stars make everything a little easier to bear, always have.

He leans against the railing of the observation deck, eyes on the sky, and blinks a few times to chase away the pain. Absently, he lifts his uneven hand to run his fingertips along the scar on the right side of his face. He has pictures now, at least, and he can probably loot Hange's bolo tie from their apartment, but even if he loses every material thing, he will always have this, a proof of them saving his life.

A proof that they had lived.

His knee starts aching again, and he drags himself over to the area with some chairs and beanbags, carefully settling into one before tilting his head back to stare at the hundreds of little lights again.

I hope you're still out there. You deserved more time.


--4. Picking Up The Pieces

a) (And Pieces, And Pieces) - close CR only!

The next couple of days remind him of the days after Shiganshina. Doing what is necessary, even if you'd rather be doing anything else. He wants to look through Hange's belongings -- if any of them are even still there, he's not sure if it's magic or some kind of secret service cleaning spaces out when someone disappears like this. He does manage to get his hands on some of their scientific notes and supplies and hand them over to Helene to copy, at least (she will let him have the originals back, and he will put the boxes in Hange's room in their new house, because of course they will have a room left for them). Maybe he finds the bolo tie he'd been looking; if not, he could always wish for it through the dandelion.

He can't make himself throw out what he thought to be junk last time he tried to clean the apartment up, with Hange still there. Now they're not, and the boxes still are. It doesn't feel real; just like it hadn't felt real to clear out Erwin's drawers back home. He'd never had to empty the office after that; after all, he never made it back to Paradis after Hange died.

Still, the mess is familiar, and he lingers, thinking of all the times they shared tea -- and sometimes other things -- at the tiny table and on the couch, of all the times Levi ended up nodding off despite having no intention to do so, of the jokes and banter and fights and their warmth.

When he comes back a day or two later, though, it's empty. The key doesn't work anymore either; he has to pick the lock to get in. The furniture the apartment came with is still there, of course, but there's no Hange; he didn't find their weird plant cat, either.

And just like that, the weight finally comes crashing down on him.

Maybe you had followed him, or just spotted the familiar door cracked open and peeked in, but the sight you find is the same; Levi quietly curled up on the right side of a nondescript couch in formerly-Hange's apartment, clutching an empty nondescript mug in his hands.


b) Out Of Sorts - open to anyone who happens to be in the starter building!

A few days later, you might be visiting to check on someone, or simply heading back to your own apartment when something odd catches your attention. A small-badger-sized but pissed off looking furry black animal scurries out of what you may or may not know as Levi and Eren's old apartment and makes a beeline toward either Hange's or Erwin's door, though if you or someone carelessly left their open, it might just dip in there instead.

Regardless, the tiny wolverine goes immediately to the nearest available pillow or cushion, drags it out into the middle of the hallway and murders it in a display of uncontained rage, somewhere between an overexcited puppy with a shoe and a cat breaking the neck of a bird. Then it seems to make actual eye contact with you and growls. It's not clear what the source of its irritation is, but apparently it might not be you.

...Is it wearing a cravat?



--5. Wildcard

(( If you'd like to pester him somewhere else or in a different way, hit me up on disco or jigglyballs and we can hash something out! ))

Comments

2

[abnormalizes]

Evangeline goes to bars now and then. Often with other people, but sometimes by herself. If there's no cute nonhuman to flirt with, then she'll work on her continuing efforts to get more comfortable talking to humans. Alcohol does wonders for her nerves, there.

All thought of finding someone to flirt with goes out her mind when she sees Levi, though. She can't say she knows him well enough to be certain that he's not the type to drink, but she can say she hasn't seen him in a bar before.

"Hey. Is this spot taken?"

[wingbound]

And she would be right. On the extremely rare event that he'd end up there accompanying a friend or something, he'd always demand that the bartender makes him tea. This is new.

He's tempted to send whoever it is that decided to approach him away, but relaxes just marginally when he recognizes the voice and the face. Ah, it's the weirdo. He's generally fond of weirdos. Too bad Monarch Weirdo is no longer of this soil.

"Not as far as I know," he grumbles, barely sparing a glance at said seat and Evangeline before he's frowning ahead again.

[abnormalizes]

That's her, the weirdo. She sits down beside him.

"...So what brings you here? I don't see you drinking that often."

She's at least delicate enough not to just say explicitly 'what bad thing happened', but the meaning is the same.

[wingbound]

"I don't really drink," Levi confirms her observation half-heartedly. Despite the apparent amount of alcohol he's consumed, there's no noticeable difference to the way he talks or holds himself. He just looks more distant somehow. Sadder, maybe.

What does bring him here? Just a memory among many, Hange sitting next to him at this very bar, smiling with their grotesque rainbow drink and needling him about giving it a try. Maybe he should have come back here with them. But they both thought they had time.

He hopes they knew he loved them, even if he never said the words.

Maybe he might have, one day. Now he doesn't get to, though. He's back to where he was in his shitty world, watching his friends die one by one until he's the only one left. It would be easier if he didn't know Hange has nowhere to return to. Gone home, what a joke. There's no going home for those living on borrowed time. There's no point in trying to wrap it up in some sort of milder words; that's not what happened.

"Hange's dead," he says evenly, and it becomes real.

[abnormalizes]

There's no question of whether Levi means 'dead temporarily in a flower' or actual death. Evangeline'd have to be an idiot to ask.

"I'm sorry." What can she say? She has little experience comforting mourners: the concept of a funeral is something she only learned about in Ellipsa. "I only talked to them a couple times, but I'll definitely remember them."

[wingbound]

"Yeah. Me too."

He wishes he could trade places with them. Even if he returned to their burnt down world, he'd at least be alive. But it's not possible; he'd already asked before, back when the Metaverse teased him with another long lost loved one only to never bring him in to begin with. He hates the feeling of powerlessness, being unable to do anything. It's not new, but... it's almost harder a second time, now that he's been allowed to believe that death could be cheated, that people could have another chance at life here.

It's not fair.

He nods slowly. Yeah, that's about all anyone can do. He knows he will remember, and now that the Lake of Healing has been renamed Lake Hange, more people will hear their name, perhaps even some things about their research and contributions to this world. It's... something. It's all he gets to carry with him, again.

"...Thanks." For keeping that memory, too.

1

[mayoninofukucho]

[Hijikata likes taking his pokémon to the beach, especially his Emboar. It loves the heat and the expanse of sand to dig in (though it generally gives the water wide berth). His Honedge admittedly doesn't seem to enjoy either the sun or the water all that much, so by the time he comes across Levi, it's back in its pokéball.

The big pig creature, running ahead of its trainer, sees the familiar figure first and runs up to Levi, even crossing the rocks despite not liking the sea. Once it's by his side, though, it senses his gloomy mood, and instead of the usual boisterous greeting, it puts a large hooved paw on his back in a comforting gesture. Hijikata, less sensitive than his pokémon, calls from the beach.]

Hey, Levi! What're you doing?

[wingbound]

[ Despite having ridden on one once, Levi still has some trouble wrapping his mind around Pokemon being real, so unfortunately the flaming pig's approach and comforting touch makes him startle rather violently instead, turning around with wide eyes and nearly falling backwards into the sea in the process (probably, again, saved by Emboar pulling him back or something). A moment later, he realizes that he recognizes it, and sure enough, the other pig's voice comes from the shore. ]

[ He frowns and leans to the side to glance around the Pokemon and at it's owner. ]

Not planning to jump into the sea, so you can keep walking.

[mayoninofukucho]

[Indeed, the pokémon catches Levi as he loses his balance! At the rebuffal, the other pig Hijikata scoffs.]

Fine by me, but Hinobuta wants to hang out with you! Can I leave you two together?

[The Emboar lets out a squeal that makes him walk closer despite what he just said. He can't understand the creature's speech, not even with his Animal Amulet, but he's had it with him long enough to have a sense of its moods, and right now, it's concerned for Levi.]

Are you counting the fish or what?

1/2

[wingbound]

[ At least one of the pigs is helpful! ]

Do I look like a babysitter to you?

[ Good job, Hijikata! It seems he's distracting Levi from his sadness with annoyance. (It's probably questionable whether or not that's actually good...) ]

[ Except then he drags him right back into it. ]

No, turnip brains, I'm -- [ He starts off with his voice just slightly raised in anger but his energy seems to deflate until the last words are barely a whisper, his eyes staring off into the middle distance somewhere; ]

2/2

[wingbound]

...I'm thinking about Hange.

[mayoninofukucho]

Hange?

[Hijikata hasn't seen Hange in forever - it's been over half a year for sure -, but last he heard, the three Survey Corps veterans were set to move into a new home together. Compared to that happy outlook, Levi's voice and expression don't bode well at all.]

What happened?

[wingbound]

Bullshit.

[ He says, because what happened is absolute bullshit. Hange was supposed to have a life. They were supposed to spend it together this time, just like they had wished back in their own universe, in a life of duty and sacrifice and misery, before acknowledging that it wasn't going to happen when they were still needed to fight for the world. This was their second chance. Ripped away. ]

[ He wants to scream. He wants to cry. He can't. Never could. Not unless he's in the safety of his own four walls, and in the company of no one but himself. Perhaps a few others, only one of which is still here at the moment. He grits his teeth and bends down to pick up another rock, flinging it into the ocean once again with more force than necessary, staring off to where its path seems to meet horizon. ]

They're gone. This-- we were here, around this time, last year.

out of sorts

[offeredhearts]

It makes his heart ache twice over; not just Hange's disappearance, and the loss of a long-trusted companion who had deserved every moment of their peace and happiness here, but seeing how hard it hits Levi.

Erwin can't even say that they'd gotten too comfortable with the assumption that they'll be together indefinitely. It's not something Levi would just forget, but for all of the loss that he's experienced, the pain never seems to dull. Over the subsequent days he's tried to offer comfort in various ways, with tender words and careful touches, but also with space; there are some things he knows he can't soothe.

...but admittedly, this is a bit of a surprise.

Erwin stops in his tracks in the middle of the hallway, a bag dangling from one hand, watching the vicious massacre of one of his pillows by a small creature...wearing a cravat, and with two different colored eyes.

"...Levi?"

[wingbound]

Of course Levi didn't forget it, but he had dared hope that they would have time. More time. Being shown that death didn't have to be the end in this place only to have someone ripped away from him again is almost worse than experiencing it the first time. Not to mention that they're not in the middle of a war right now and can allow themselves time to grieve.

As much as every comrade's death weighed heavily on Levi, in truth Erwin has seen him lose someone he genuinely loved only once before; it had not been a pretty sight, nor were the weeks that followed. This shouldn't be entirely new to him. Of course, he had no way of knowing what deep of a gash his own death left on both Levi and Hange's souls. And it's entirely possible they may have just emptied Erwin's private stash of bourbon in his and Moblit's honor in the following days. It's hardly without precedent.

He's probably seen Levi cry again, too -- whether while packing away Hange's belongings, curled up on their couch where they used to have tea, or at night when he realizes there's too much space on his right. Levi thought he'd already weathered the worst of it, but it seems this world has a surprise for him.

One moment, he's kicking the couch in a fit of suppressed anger spilling out, just like he had broken down that door when they'd lost Erwin, and the next the walls are suddenly growing around him. He only realizes what happened when he sees his reflection in the balcony door's glass; he can't recall pissing off any fairies lately so he's entirely stumped with this development, not to mention that it's insult to injury at this point, and so he proceeds to vent his frustration and rage in the best ways his fuzzy new form can.

He startles when he hears the familiar voice. Erwin. Of course Erwin recognizes him. Maybe there's hope! He's probably read in some book what to do when something like this happens. In his excitement, Levi stands on his hind legs to greet him, though loses balance quickly and tumbles back into the pile of fabric and stuffing that used to be one of their pillows.

No matter! He tries to quickly explain what happened, unfortunately, the only thing reaching Erwin's ears is a series of fast-paced snarls and chirps. It is, admittedly, an improvement from the low angry growls that had been emanating from him earlier as the pillow met its end, but it doesn't really tell him anything more about the situation.

[offeredhearts]

Joke's on Levi, Erwin has absolutely no idea what to do about this. Admittedly, he's a bit confused, because they can transform at will - he assumes at first that this is a form that he's chosen for whatever reason to further process his grief.

As Levi starts chittering quickly, he takes a couple steps closer and crouches down in front of the small creature, setting the bag down. It smells...sweet, and like peaches, perhaps, if that little nose can detect it. Erwin tilts his head, listening intently...but he can't really make out any of it.

After a minute or so, he frowns, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I can't understand you at all." Slowly, he extends his hand...because despite the teeth and the claws which could obviously do a lot of damage, he is unbearably cute, and Erwin just wants to know how soft he is...

"Can you change back?"

[wingbound]

They can. In theory. Levi's aware of it -- he's heard it in the orientation, and he has seen Jean and Hijikata turn into animals, at least -- but he's never done or even tried it himself, and on some level, it must have skipped his mind that it's something he's also able to do. He had discovered most of his powers accidentally, by following an instinct, and perhaps this is something similar, but he hasn't made the connection yet.

His tiny ears press even closer to his head when Erwin says he doesn't understand him, and he slowly slides to sit on his butt in a manner that's a bit more human than animal, tail swishing to the sides in annoyance. Of course he can't. This is just great.

He does pick up on the familiar scent, though he might be processing it a bit differently as a critter. Nonetheless, he pads over to stick his head in the bag like a cat trying to reach a treat and sniffs. He pulls it back out and stares at Erwin with mismatched eyes for a moment when he asks that question, then bristles and bares his teeth.

What the fuck does it look like? Do you think I WANT to be like this?

Of course, what comes out is a threatening growl, and he trots back to the murder scene to grab the biggest remaining piece of the pillow case and SHRED it into more pieces, hoping the display of anger will convey his frustration. He rolls over in the mess a couple times to really get the message across, then raises his head to stare at Erwin.

Getting the picture yet, Blondie?

[offeredhearts]

...Erwin really can't help a chuckle as Levi just walks over and fully sticks his head in the bag. It's simply too dang cute, but since his hand went ignored, he doesn't try to touch him.

A good thing, given those teeth he's showing off just now. Erwin regards him patiently as Levi once again resumes destroying the pillow, and then........rolls in it.

A smile spreads across his face, but at least it's a bit sympathetic rather than just charmed.

"I suppose I'll take that to mean you cannot." ...Gosh he really is ridiculously adorable. It's difficult to focus on trying to troubleshoot. He supposes he could message someone and ask about it, but maybe just getting Levi to settle down and focus would help first...

Erwin glances about the hall, and gets to his feet.

"Well, let's clean this up, and then we'll see what we can figure out," he suggests, pushing the door open to his apartment, halfway expecting the whole thing to be similarly decimated.

[wingbound]

Levi makes his best effort at huffing and rolls to his feet, shaking himself from head to tail to make any pieces of stuffing clinging to his fur go flying.

That's right. Now help me!

...Well. He can't argue against cleaning, even if he has no thumbs at the moment and can't possibly take part. He hopes Erwin does a passable job at it.

He contemplates for a moment, sort of tempted to just unleash his irritation on the world by not budging, but whatever is happening isn't Erwin's fault, plus... it's probably not a bad idea not to let too many people see him like this. His ears flick slightly in resignation and he walks over back to Erwin's apartment, his fluffy tail dragging behind him in a disheartened manner.

The apartment is... maybe a little decimated. Another pillow or cushion has probably been ripped up, and there's a bunch of litter spread around Shadow's litter box, though there's no telling if it was the voidcat that kicked it up or if Levi had to stoop to the level of a housepet and use it himself while Erwin was gone. But it's not in too much of a disarray; Levi was probably expecting to be the one cleaning it up so he paced himself as much as he could in such a situation.

sun sinks into the sea - FORGIVE THAT I WROTE A WHOLE BOOK

[dreamsofwings]

Eren comes to the beach fairly regularly. He has done the whole time he's been here, as soon as he knew it was there. It isn't actually an ocean, but it's close enough. Somehow it still feels like it counts, even with the shore closer.

It's what Armin always wanted, to see the ocean. Eren absorbed that dream and twisted that desire inside himself, like he does with so many things. His desire to leave the walls made him long for a world without walls at all, some blank thing, his idea of freedom. In the end, there will be no walls left standing, but who is that freedom even for? Never for Eren himself. Maybe never for anyone.

He's thought repeatedly, standing on the shore at home, standing in some conjured memory of an ocean filled with blood, and standing here, that freedom is an illusion. He cannot accept that. He will not. But they're still caged in, trapped by the darkness that threatens this world, a darkness Eren would love to just fight with his fists and his titan and whatever else.

He thinks some of these worse thoughts more often now that Armin has been here and disappeared. But Armin was not an anchor holding Eren steady to the ground, no matter how much he may have wanted to be. No one can do that, not really. Reiner can come close sometimes. But Eren will always do whatever he decides to do, take whatever course he picks all on his own.

He is trying, mostly, to let other people help him carry the things that weigh on him. He's not good at it, Levi's long ago advice of to trust himself, to make a decision and live with it, half-understood in his mind like Armin's dreams of the world.

He's surprised to find Levi here at the beach too, though, jumping along the rocks. Of course Eren is aware by now that Hange disappeared. He imagines — wrongly, mostly — that Levi's relationship with them was something like his with Armin. He hasn't forgotten those weird messages in that book, or the whole bathing thing! But even if he's wrong and doesn't get it, he knows one thing with absolute certainty: at the end of everything, Levi will be left on the ruined shores alone, without them.

What a bullshit time this is for everyone.

Though Eren imagines the captain doesn't really want to see him, of all people, he follows anyway. Even with Levi's injury, Eren can't match the grace inherent in his movements. But he's not an awkward kid anymore, either. He makes noise following on purpose, to make sure that Levi will hear him.

"Hey, Captain," he says when he draws closer. He wants to say more, thinking of Levi there with a hand on his back or Levi there with a cup of tea. He has no idea how to do this the other way around, but if he wants Levi to rely on him — and he does — then he should give it a go.

"I'm sorry. That they're not here."

Does he mean he's sorry that Hange went…wherever dead people go when they disappear from this place? Of course. Does he mean he's sorry that they might not be anywhere, because their death is his fault? It isn't directly, and Hange themself forgave him, more or less, because he hasn't done that yet. But he knows now. And it could never change anything.

He's never really apologised for most of it, not directly. There's too much he isn't sorry for. This has to be enough.

IS OK also i think my book was still longer aksdh but now we go short-

[wingbound]

He's not particularly wrong with that assumption. Their dynamic was-- is different from Eren and Armin, sure, but they do love each other a lot. They may not have actually boned but Levi hasn't done that with anybody. It's not unreasonable someone would assume that seeing their level of trust and comfort around each other.

Bullshit is certainly a good word for it.

It's the word that pulses through Levi's mind and his veins, stretches in his muscles as he flings another rock into the ocean. He wonders if some part of him had really expected this world to be more fair. How silly of him.

He starts a little when Eren speaks up -- he's aware of his approach, and yet somehow doesn't think he was going to talk -- and glances back, a soft frown on his face, looking somewhere past him.

"Yeah," he says, his voice a little rough. "Me too."

He's not the one anybody should be feeling bad for; he's still here. He's hurting, yes, but that's still a lot better than being dead, which Hange has a good chance of being unless they somehow got pulled into another one of these funny worlds.

[dreamsofwings]

If you're not banging maybe you shouldn't have a weird sexting book, Captain.

Eren had also made that assumption: that because this world was better, it was also fairer. That's just an illusion, though. It's luck as much as it's anything that they all came here. Eren knows there's not a grand design. The only grand design he can ever believe in is his own, which really says so much about him. Something something trust in yourself instead of other people.

But he really thought that this was more than he'd originally chalked it up to be, lying with Reiner in the dark long before they were whatever they are to each other now: stolen time. That's what this is.

He doesn't think it would be better for anyone if Hange or Gabi or Armin had never been here. He can't think that. That's just despair. To have this and then to not have it…who knows. At the end of it all, isn't it worth it to have loved someone even after they're gone? Eren wouldn't trade all his love — his twisted, harshly defended, all consuming love — for anything. Isn't that part of why he could never change the ending, even when he tried?

And he can't change this, now, the two of them still left when people who deserve to have happiness and freedom from hell aren't here anymore. He wouldn't, though. One of the differences between Eren and Reiner (and Eren and Levi) is that he wouldn't actually trade this, either. He wouldn't offer to trade places with anyone else back home, though it's not an entirely selfish thing. If and when Eren goes home, the world as they all knew it will end. It's better for everyone if Eren remains here, even if every single one of them disappears.

He still has half a mind to roll up to Olwen and demand to know what the fuck the big idea here is, but you know.

He stands there and looks out at the pseudo ocean.

"Can I do anything for you?" he finally asks. It's an open question. He'll fuck off if that's what Levi wants him to do, take his lingering coldness and the reminder of the horrible future/past away with him. Or he'll stay, and they can miss people together.

[wingbound]

He'll have as many weird sexting books as he wants, soldier! In fact, maybe you shouldn't be looking at other people's sexting books if you don't like what you see!

It wouldn't be better. It's perhaps a little harder on those who remain, to have their loved ones back and then taken away again. But if that means giving them -- especially those no longer of their world -- even a single more day, then Levi will happily bear that pain ten times over. Each extra hour had been a gift that he's too grateful to ever curse, no matter how much he may wish they could stay here permanently.

He's broken up to lose Hange a second time, but it's better than them never having the chance to experience this amazing world, to have entire days of fun and discovery, unburdened by duty and sacrifices.

He used to be willing to trade his place here; not so much now, not after the gentle version of a verbal dressing down he had received from both Olwen and Erwin a couple months back, and in turn choosing not to mention those conversations to Hange -- perhaps for the best, allowing their last weeks here to be unblemished by drama or arguments. It's something that hadn't even occurred to him that had been laid out for him; that even if it were possible, in helping somebody he would be hurting someone else who loves him.

And that's a price he's not willing to pay until there's no other choice.

I don't know, is the real answer to that question. Is there anything to be done? It's not going to bring them back. But he knows better than to disregard sympathy, especially coming from someone broken enough themselves that they still struggle to feel sometimes. He knows how much this means.

"I'll be fine," he says instead, even if it's not an answer to the question. There's a moment of silence before he continues, looking out at the sea; "Hey Eren... Do you remember when we were all here last summer?"

Maybe that's something they can do. Reminiscence, until it gives way to the silence of missing what they lost.

"You had to run us back to town for a doctor."

That had been an absolute fright to him, actually, but even that traumatic memory is now colored by fondness.

[dreamsofwings]

Eren is much more selfish in how he views the world, as always. But even he would agree that having someone here for awhile, giving them the chance at peace, at life, even if it's fleeting…well, he wouldn't trade it. He would never want to forget that Armin was here, that Hange was here. They deserved this place and Eren doesn't, but that's just not how any world works. What people deserve and what they get aren't the same thing. The universe is indifferent at best and actively malicious at worst, as far as he's concerned. (Maybe this is just a side-effect from being too close to playing god. Eren can be both indifferent and actively malicious. Even his efforts to save people rarely take anyone's best interest but his own into account.)

But he does care. He would wish for Levi to be happy, if that were an option. It wasn't his intention to leave the captain with nothing. Levi and Hange were collateral damage. All of them were in one way or another, collateral damage for Eren trying to crush the world into a blank slate and keep them safe at the same time. Both things were never possible.

Here, more things are possible, but even fighting to keep them doesn't always make a difference. People can't die, but they can leave. In Hange's case, isn't that the same thing?

Levi doesn't really answer his question, but he's willing to let it go. But Levi speaks again.

"I remember, Captain," he says. He does. How all the new experiences slot in with the insane mire of his old ones — past and future — is anyone's guess, even Eren's. But he remembers bits of last summer with crystal clarity, things he wants to hold on to. He remembers fighting with Reiner on that balancing thing in the ocean, the realisation that he actually didn't want to fight. He remembers how scared Levi had seemed about that poison noodle creature, but Hange had been…well, they'd been Hange about it.

"I was able to help without fucking it up for once," he says. "I think Hange kind of enjoyed that whole thing."

[wingbound]

(Who's to say the universe isn't also just somebody trying their hand at playing god? With what they've been through back home, it certainly felt like someone or something was operating on pure spite. But perhaps that's just what the view is from down where they stand.)

Just like their world, Levi would rebuild. It would still hurt, though. For a long time, perhaps forever. He's glad to be here instead, to have had some people he's lost back -- to still have some of them back. For them to have experienced a different kind of life, even for a little bit. But it still hurts, too, especially knowing that some of them no longer have a place to return to. Perhaps they would end up at some other world, but... it's just as likely that they are just gone, as they had been.

That's what it feels like, either way.

But it's nice to think of the good times, to have confirmation that it really happened in the form of someone else who remembers the same things. Levi's still staring out in the ocean but his look is a bit softer; the small huff escaping him sounds almost like a chuckle.

"Of course they did. Getting their hands on Titans and giving me gray hairs has to be some of Hange's favorite pastimes."

Him and Moblit, but the man hadn't been here to take the brunt of it, save for that little stint in the Metaverse.