Levi "rudeboi" Ackerman (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wingbound) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
seasonsrpg2024-06-22 12:20 am
wingbound) wrote in seasonsrpg2024-06-22 12:20 am
remember the day of grief
WHO: Levi & various!
WHAT: Hange is gone from Ellipsa. Levi is feeling about it. Feel free to encounter him!
WHEN: June 6/7th and a few days after
WHERE: Solarpeak beach (late day), restaurant/bar in Solarpeak (early evening), Coldreach observatory (late evening), starter apartments building (few days later)
WARNINGS: sads :( also blanket AoT warnings (child soldiers, trauma no therapy, so much death, etc)
::
--1. Sun Sinks Into The Sea - open to anyone.
The thought has always been at the back of his mind. Never take good things for granted; everything can turn to shit in a moment. He'd hoped that they would have more time, though. At the very least, he had hoped that Hange would have more time, live the whole life they deserved to have here. But as always, even the most benevolent looking world has shittiness in it, and his heart sinks like a stone when the realization sinks in.
They're gone.
Somehow, it's almost worse a second time. Back home, cruelty was expected. People died, leaving nothing but memories and sometimes a mangled keepsake behind. But then they were here, and they'd been given hope. Death suddenly wasn't the end. They had another chance.
And now that too was ripped away.
Most of the day passes like in a trance. He stares at the message for what feels like hours, bitches out Olwen and demands Helene names the lake they'd found after Hange (which is approved). But the venting doesn't make him feel particularly better, though he's glad at least now more people will be able to remember their name. It's bittersweet, though. It doesn't bring them back.
He can only hope that Eren's theory is true. Jean and Mikasa did apparently visit other places like this before. Maybe Hange went to a different world rather than death back home.
But he can't know for sure. He might never know.
He goes about his morning tasks mechanically. He holds Erwin, suddenly anxious that he may too disappear as soon as Levi looks away. He cleans all three apartments until his knuckles bleed. He needs to keep moving or it just becomes too much.
Eventually he finds himself retracing the steps they took together, and so he finds himself at the beach of the Great Ocean Lake, crouching just out of the reach of the waves lapping at the shore, staring out into the horizon. A cane rests next to him.
He remembers the day they were all here, him, Hange and the kids, at something called a beach party. Hange had made a whole mess of themself, trying to scoop various sea creatures into a colourful plastic bucket, ignoring Levi's warnings. They'd ended up stung by poison noodles and Levi rushed them to a hospital in a panic with Eren's help. They hadn't learned anything, of course; at least not once the doctor assured there was no real danger.
He looks at the familiar rocks, forming a sort of natural bridge some meters deeper into the water. He can almost see Hange, pants rolled up, tip-toeing like a giant stork in the water, shoving disgusting sea creatures in his face, taking pictures. Slowly, he stands up and heads toward the rocks, jumping from stone to stone with some minor difficulty until he reaches the end of the rocky pier. He picks up a pebble and throws it into the ocean.
He thinks about the words they had spoken to each other the day they convinced him to oversee one of their experiments with Eren and after. As long as I have a say...
"You promised," he whispers under his breath. The ocean breeze stings in his eyes. He picks up another small stone, stands still like a statue for a moment, then lets out a growl of frustration and chucks it so hard it bounces off the water enough times that it's too far to be seen by the time it finally sinks under the surface.
--2. Sorrow In A Glass - open to anyone.
After finally leaving the beach his feet take him to a restaurant nearby where the Scouts had held a meeting of sorts shortly after his arrival. Hange had been excited about the bar, and against his better judgement, Levi sits down and orders the same monstrosity of a drink they had been sipping on back then.
Alcohol doesn't really affect him -- at least this amount isn't going to -- but he supposes it works on normal people. He's usually only seen it make them stupid, Commander Pixis being a notable exception to that rule, but there had to be a reason why they still did it, right? Maybe it made things hurt less. Wouldn't that be nice? He'd almost decided to test that theory, with Olwen tipping him off about Riki's potion, unfortunately the shop was apparently closed for renovating. Maybe he'd do that later. For now, he can still try to feel closer to Hange by taking part in something he knows they enjoyed.
It's probably poison anyway, so if he drinks a couple of them, maybe even he would feel it, right?
You can find him still sitting at the bar an hour later, elbows leaned on the counter, slowly sipping on a rainbow-colored cocktail that seems to go against just about everything from his style (all black today) to demeanor (surly and distant). There are several empty glasses of the same sort on the side by then, but there's not even a flush on his face; just a resigned deadness in his eyes... or maybe that's just his normal expression.
There's a cane leaned against the bar next to him. He's not sure how those things are related -- if they are at all -- but his leg had been hurting worse ever since he returned home from the chat with the city leaders. Maybe he overdid it scrubbing the floors; he had avoided that task for a reason, but now that Eren had moved out and Levi technically felt better he found little excuse not to do it himself. Maybe it's just one of those days. Maybe it's because he's not crying into his drink, and the outside has to match the inside in some way, he thinks bitterly, and sucks down more sickeningly sweet liquid. At least he's alive to feel that pain.
Hange isn't, unless they somehow lucked their way into another place like this. And what are the chances of that?
--3. Always Find Me Among The Stars - open to anyone.
When the shitty booze doesn't make this utter bullshit of a development make any more sense -- why now, why them, why was nobody able to do anything about sending people back to fucking die even though it has been months since the research started -- he heads for the final place that does. He often comes to the observatory -- to think, to reminisce, to simply stare up at the stars because he now could, after spending twenty six years in the dark of a cave. He'd been there to grieve and he'd been there to celebrate, too.
Stars make everything a little easier to bear, always have.
He leans against the railing of the observation deck, eyes on the sky, and blinks a few times to chase away the pain. Absently, he lifts his uneven hand to run his fingertips along the scar on the right side of his face. He has pictures now, at least, and he can probably loot Hange's bolo tie from their apartment, but even if he loses every material thing, he will always have this, a proof of them saving his life.
A proof that they had lived.
His knee starts aching again, and he drags himself over to the area with some chairs and beanbags, carefully settling into one before tilting his head back to stare at the hundreds of little lights again.
I hope you're still out there. You deserved more time.
--4. Picking Up The Pieces
a) (And Pieces, And Pieces) - close CR only!
The next couple of days remind him of the days after Shiganshina. Doing what is necessary, even if you'd rather be doing anything else. He wants to look through Hange's belongings -- if any of them are even still there, he's not sure if it's magic or some kind of secret service cleaning spaces out when someone disappears like this. He does manage to get his hands on some of their scientific notes and supplies and hand them over to Helene to copy, at least (she will let him have the originals back, and he will put the boxes in Hange's room in their new house, because of course they will have a room left for them). Maybe he finds the bolo tie he'd been looking; if not, he could always wish for it through the dandelion.
He can't make himself throw out what he thought to be junk last time he tried to clean the apartment up, with Hange still there. Now they're not, and the boxes still are. It doesn't feel real; just like it hadn't felt real to clear out Erwin's drawers back home. He'd never had to empty the office after that; after all, he never made it back to Paradis after Hange died.
Still, the mess is familiar, and he lingers, thinking of all the times they shared tea -- and sometimes other things -- at the tiny table and on the couch, of all the times Levi ended up nodding off despite having no intention to do so, of the jokes and banter and fights and their warmth.
When he comes back a day or two later, though, it's empty. The key doesn't work anymore either; he has to pick the lock to get in. The furniture the apartment came with is still there, of course, but there's no Hange; he didn't find their weird plant cat, either.
And just like that, the weight finally comes crashing down on him.
Maybe you had followed him, or just spotted the familiar door cracked open and peeked in, but the sight you find is the same; Levi quietly curled up on the right side of a nondescript couch in formerly-Hange's apartment, clutching an empty nondescript mug in his hands.
b) Out Of Sorts - open to anyone who happens to be in the starter building!
A few days later, you might be visiting to check on someone, or simply heading back to your own apartment when something odd catches your attention. A small-badger-sized but pissed off looking furry black animal scurries out of what you may or may not know as Levi and Eren's old apartment and makes a beeline toward either Hange's or Erwin's door, though if you or someone carelessly left their open, it might just dip in there instead.
Regardless, the tiny wolverine goes immediately to the nearest available pillow or cushion, drags it out into the middle of the hallway and murders it in a display of uncontained rage, somewhere between an overexcited puppy with a shoe and a cat breaking the neck of a bird. Then it seems to make actual eye contact with you and growls. It's not clear what the source of its irritation is, but apparently it might not be you.
...Is it wearing a cravat?
--5. Wildcard
(( If you'd like to pester him somewhere else or in a different way, hit me up on disco or![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
jigglyballs and we can hash something out! ))
WHAT: Hange is gone from Ellipsa. Levi is feeling about it. Feel free to encounter him!
WHEN: June 6/7th and a few days after
WHERE: Solarpeak beach (late day), restaurant/bar in Solarpeak (early evening), Coldreach observatory (late evening), starter apartments building (few days later)
WARNINGS: sads :( also blanket AoT warnings (child soldiers, trauma no therapy, so much death, etc)
::
--1. Sun Sinks Into The Sea - open to anyone.
The thought has always been at the back of his mind. Never take good things for granted; everything can turn to shit in a moment. He'd hoped that they would have more time, though. At the very least, he had hoped that Hange would have more time, live the whole life they deserved to have here. But as always, even the most benevolent looking world has shittiness in it, and his heart sinks like a stone when the realization sinks in.
They're gone.
Somehow, it's almost worse a second time. Back home, cruelty was expected. People died, leaving nothing but memories and sometimes a mangled keepsake behind. But then they were here, and they'd been given hope. Death suddenly wasn't the end. They had another chance.
And now that too was ripped away.
Most of the day passes like in a trance. He stares at the message for what feels like hours, bitches out Olwen and demands Helene names the lake they'd found after Hange (which is approved). But the venting doesn't make him feel particularly better, though he's glad at least now more people will be able to remember their name. It's bittersweet, though. It doesn't bring them back.
He can only hope that Eren's theory is true. Jean and Mikasa did apparently visit other places like this before. Maybe Hange went to a different world rather than death back home.
But he can't know for sure. He might never know.
He goes about his morning tasks mechanically. He holds Erwin, suddenly anxious that he may too disappear as soon as Levi looks away. He cleans all three apartments until his knuckles bleed. He needs to keep moving or it just becomes too much.
Eventually he finds himself retracing the steps they took together, and so he finds himself at the beach of the Great Ocean Lake, crouching just out of the reach of the waves lapping at the shore, staring out into the horizon. A cane rests next to him.
He remembers the day they were all here, him, Hange and the kids, at something called a beach party. Hange had made a whole mess of themself, trying to scoop various sea creatures into a colourful plastic bucket, ignoring Levi's warnings. They'd ended up stung by poison noodles and Levi rushed them to a hospital in a panic with Eren's help. They hadn't learned anything, of course; at least not once the doctor assured there was no real danger.
He looks at the familiar rocks, forming a sort of natural bridge some meters deeper into the water. He can almost see Hange, pants rolled up, tip-toeing like a giant stork in the water, shoving disgusting sea creatures in his face, taking pictures. Slowly, he stands up and heads toward the rocks, jumping from stone to stone with some minor difficulty until he reaches the end of the rocky pier. He picks up a pebble and throws it into the ocean.
He thinks about the words they had spoken to each other the day they convinced him to oversee one of their experiments with Eren and after. As long as I have a say...
"You promised," he whispers under his breath. The ocean breeze stings in his eyes. He picks up another small stone, stands still like a statue for a moment, then lets out a growl of frustration and chucks it so hard it bounces off the water enough times that it's too far to be seen by the time it finally sinks under the surface.
--2. Sorrow In A Glass - open to anyone.
After finally leaving the beach his feet take him to a restaurant nearby where the Scouts had held a meeting of sorts shortly after his arrival. Hange had been excited about the bar, and against his better judgement, Levi sits down and orders the same monstrosity of a drink they had been sipping on back then.
Alcohol doesn't really affect him -- at least this amount isn't going to -- but he supposes it works on normal people. He's usually only seen it make them stupid, Commander Pixis being a notable exception to that rule, but there had to be a reason why they still did it, right? Maybe it made things hurt less. Wouldn't that be nice? He'd almost decided to test that theory, with Olwen tipping him off about Riki's potion, unfortunately the shop was apparently closed for renovating. Maybe he'd do that later. For now, he can still try to feel closer to Hange by taking part in something he knows they enjoyed.
It's probably poison anyway, so if he drinks a couple of them, maybe even he would feel it, right?
You can find him still sitting at the bar an hour later, elbows leaned on the counter, slowly sipping on a rainbow-colored cocktail that seems to go against just about everything from his style (all black today) to demeanor (surly and distant). There are several empty glasses of the same sort on the side by then, but there's not even a flush on his face; just a resigned deadness in his eyes... or maybe that's just his normal expression.
There's a cane leaned against the bar next to him. He's not sure how those things are related -- if they are at all -- but his leg had been hurting worse ever since he returned home from the chat with the city leaders. Maybe he overdid it scrubbing the floors; he had avoided that task for a reason, but now that Eren had moved out and Levi technically felt better he found little excuse not to do it himself. Maybe it's just one of those days. Maybe it's because he's not crying into his drink, and the outside has to match the inside in some way, he thinks bitterly, and sucks down more sickeningly sweet liquid. At least he's alive to feel that pain.
Hange isn't, unless they somehow lucked their way into another place like this. And what are the chances of that?
--3. Always Find Me Among The Stars - open to anyone.
When the shitty booze doesn't make this utter bullshit of a development make any more sense -- why now, why them, why was nobody able to do anything about sending people back to fucking die even though it has been months since the research started -- he heads for the final place that does. He often comes to the observatory -- to think, to reminisce, to simply stare up at the stars because he now could, after spending twenty six years in the dark of a cave. He'd been there to grieve and he'd been there to celebrate, too.
Stars make everything a little easier to bear, always have.
He leans against the railing of the observation deck, eyes on the sky, and blinks a few times to chase away the pain. Absently, he lifts his uneven hand to run his fingertips along the scar on the right side of his face. He has pictures now, at least, and he can probably loot Hange's bolo tie from their apartment, but even if he loses every material thing, he will always have this, a proof of them saving his life.
A proof that they had lived.
His knee starts aching again, and he drags himself over to the area with some chairs and beanbags, carefully settling into one before tilting his head back to stare at the hundreds of little lights again.
I hope you're still out there. You deserved more time.
--4. Picking Up The Pieces
a) (And Pieces, And Pieces) - close CR only!
The next couple of days remind him of the days after Shiganshina. Doing what is necessary, even if you'd rather be doing anything else. He wants to look through Hange's belongings -- if any of them are even still there, he's not sure if it's magic or some kind of secret service cleaning spaces out when someone disappears like this. He does manage to get his hands on some of their scientific notes and supplies and hand them over to Helene to copy, at least (she will let him have the originals back, and he will put the boxes in Hange's room in their new house, because of course they will have a room left for them). Maybe he finds the bolo tie he'd been looking; if not, he could always wish for it through the dandelion.
He can't make himself throw out what he thought to be junk last time he tried to clean the apartment up, with Hange still there. Now they're not, and the boxes still are. It doesn't feel real; just like it hadn't felt real to clear out Erwin's drawers back home. He'd never had to empty the office after that; after all, he never made it back to Paradis after Hange died.
Still, the mess is familiar, and he lingers, thinking of all the times they shared tea -- and sometimes other things -- at the tiny table and on the couch, of all the times Levi ended up nodding off despite having no intention to do so, of the jokes and banter and fights and their warmth.
When he comes back a day or two later, though, it's empty. The key doesn't work anymore either; he has to pick the lock to get in. The furniture the apartment came with is still there, of course, but there's no Hange; he didn't find their weird plant cat, either.
And just like that, the weight finally comes crashing down on him.
Maybe you had followed him, or just spotted the familiar door cracked open and peeked in, but the sight you find is the same; Levi quietly curled up on the right side of a nondescript couch in formerly-Hange's apartment, clutching an empty nondescript mug in his hands.
b) Out Of Sorts - open to anyone who happens to be in the starter building!
A few days later, you might be visiting to check on someone, or simply heading back to your own apartment when something odd catches your attention. A small-badger-sized but pissed off looking furry black animal scurries out of what you may or may not know as Levi and Eren's old apartment and makes a beeline toward either Hange's or Erwin's door, though if you or someone carelessly left their open, it might just dip in there instead.
Regardless, the tiny wolverine goes immediately to the nearest available pillow or cushion, drags it out into the middle of the hallway and murders it in a display of uncontained rage, somewhere between an overexcited puppy with a shoe and a cat breaking the neck of a bird. Then it seems to make actual eye contact with you and growls. It's not clear what the source of its irritation is, but apparently it might not be you.
...Is it wearing a cravat?
--5. Wildcard
(( If you'd like to pester him somewhere else or in a different way, hit me up on disco or
no subject
Another stroke of fingers, tracing around the curve of his ear. Levi is a solid weight against his chest, heavy and comforting and perfect. Erwin presses his lips briefly to his hair, imagines sending the love in his chest out and over him, soothing.
"You did, once you had calmed enough. I don't know that it will always be that way...perhaps it is only the first time it will trigger with extreme stress, and subsequently you'll be able to control it. But it's possible it might happen again."
Erwin pauses briefly, before adding on, quietly: "Although I hope it will not, because I do not wish for you to hurt like this, even just to find out if it is true."
no subject
Whether Erwin has more magical ability than they thought, or it has nothing to do with magic at all and just the depth of the bond they share, what he's doing does seem to work. Levi's pain is a gentle simmer rather than a roaring inferno, and it seems it will stay that way for now.
He knows Erwin loves him, and still something in his chest does a little flip when the man says he doesn't want him to be hurting. It shouldn't be surprising; he's willing to take on Erwin's pain so he doesn't have to suffer it any hour of the day. And yet, it's still so surreal to have something like this aimed at him instead.
"Easy to say," he mutters, and then he's quiet.
It will get lighter, he knows it will. His wound will heal along the edges. It will never stop hurting, but he will learn to live around it, like he has many times before. He will learn how to keep the sharp parts from poking him too hard and how to do his best to keep it from tearing again. But it will never go away completely.
He wouldn't want it to, anyway. It's the least of what he owes them; remembering.
He stays quiet a while, still, holding onto Erwin, alive, warm, present. He's not sure how much time passes; maybe five minutes, maybe half an hour, but eventually he feels he has to share his thoughts before they push him over the edge again.
"...We bought a house, you know."
It's grumbled into Erwin's chest in melancholy, both arms still around him.
"We were going to tell you this week. You've been saying how you want a bigger place, for all of us. It was supposed to be a surprise."
And then Hange left them.
"Now, I don't know."
Do they keep it as yet another token of their time together, or do they abandon the whole idea now that there's only two of them left? It will probably hurt either way.
no subject
Time slips by in a way they'd rarely had the luxury of when he was alive; uncounted, unhurried. Erwin dozes a little, lulled by Levi's presence, the mutual beating of their hearts. He's grown accustomed to this, to having him close, but he'll never take it for granted.
The grumbling rouses him gently, and he has to play back the words to himself before a gentle surprise takes over. His arms tighten briefly, an excitement flooding in, as he tucks his chin, trying to look Levi in the eye.
"You did?" Erwin can't keep the delighted sound from his voice, doesn't even try. "Levi...that's wonderful."
Few in the Survey Corps ever bothered to think about anything beyond service; the vast majority of them would die before retirement, anyway. And while Erwin had long let go of his quiet dreams ever becoming reality, that didn't mean he didn't entertain them in a private day dream every so often. A home with someone he loves...perhaps raising a family. It would never happen, in part or in full, but maybe here something like that could still be possible. He had Levi, still, and while their simple abodes here were familiar like a barracks...he'd been thinking more and more about their own dwelling for some time.
And they'd gone and done it...to surprise him.
A feeling surges in his chest, but stutters a little, at Levi's brief doubt.
Erwin brushes back some of his hair, cupping against the curve of his cheek with his palm.
"Why not?" he asks gently, curbing some of his enthusiasm.
no subject
And yet, here, it was something they could have. A home. So why wouldn't they?
Levi senses Erwin trying to look him in the eye, and with a small sigh he finally lifts his face out of its nest, resting his chin against Erwin's chest instead, peering up at him with a bit of melancholy.
"It's just... something we were supposed to do together, all three of us," he mumbles, a bit slowly, as if trying to put his feelings into words as accurately as he can. "Hange would probably say to just get on with it anyway, but... it won't feel the same."
no subject
"Mm...I understand." It does hurt, to have made all these plans, only to not be able to see them through together. Of course it does...when that had been stolen from them once before already, too. Erwin can understand Levi's hesitation - maybe it would just exacerbate that sense of loss...but that's never stopped him from moving forward before.
"However, I think you are correct - they wouldn't want you to hold back, not when you've already made the effort with them, to find a place you both want. Of course we'll bring all of their things and keep a space for them, and hope that they return to us. I know it isn't what you hoped for, but neither of us would want you to hold back from something that you've wanted just because we are gone."
Even though it is so, so rare for Levi to express his own wants and wishes, things he desires for himself, there's no need for that now. Not here, when comfort, at least, is so unthinkably easy to attain. After everything he's been through, the very least Levi deserves is a nice and comfortable home. Sure, the apartments are decent enough, but if he can have better, then why not?
no subject
At least in some world, he ended up lucky. And so damn lucky at that.
"Yeah?" He mumbles, slowly, hopefully, as if taking it all into consideration. He was always going to move Hange's belongings in, of course, but hearing Erwin say it makes it feel more real, makes him feel more accepted. "Then alright."
"We'll take them with us."
In whatever shape they're able to do that now. He eyes Erwin seriously.
"Besides, I don't like taking back gifts."
Despite his mixed feelings about it, it had been meant as a present to Erwin. It wouldn't be fair to take it away from him now. It will hurt, yes... but it would hurt anywhere, and maybe the two of them can still make something nice of it.
Make a home.
no subject
Even so, he's pleased that it seems to set some of his uncertainties at ease. It was never a question that they would bring everything from the apartments, including Hange's things. In no world could he imagine Levi leaving them behind; Erwin never forgets, no matter how bittersweet, that they'd had more time together. A decade, or near to it. He can't help but feel a little envious, wishing more time with both of them. He'll never not regret leaving Hange to such an impossible situation; attempting to rebuild the thing they've known for nearly two decades of their life while having to understand how to live with this knew knowledge of their world, and reconcile with it. In the end, they'd done the best they could, and even if there had been many remaining senior Survey Corps officers left, Hange had always been his choice to lead.
It was never going to be easy. Being commander never is. But he is thankful, too, that Levi had been there for them, that they'd had each other. That was all he could have asked for.
Erwin smiles softly at him, a little ache behind his eyes, pushing dark hair back from his face gently, only to have it spring back into place.
"I know, Levi. Thank you. It'll be nice, to have a place really our own."
we can probs wrap this up soon
But it is what it is.
"Yeah," he mutters, and lies his head back down, cheek smushing against Erwin's chest. "I never really thought that would happen." Titans, then the war... the closest he's ever gotten to considering a home was perhaps Hange suggesting they live in the woods together, even if they both knew they could not walk away from the fight, or maybe back when he and Erwin used to fantasize about what could be outside the walls and going there together one day. That was it.
"Bet it's gonna be a bitch to clean, though." Maybe they'll need to get an extra cleaning pancake just to keep up with the bigger space.
okok
But they have them, now, so there's no reason not to hold onto them as hard as they can.
"I assumed you considered that when you were deciding on one. Of course I will help, but it'll certainly be a task for just the two of us in anything very large."
It's not as though they've got a slew of subordinates to help with the chores, after all.
Although those cleaning pancakes do seem to be quite helpful.
they are so cute 😔
"I did," he huffs, as if the mere implication of such oversight offends him. He has cleaned bigger places, even if he did usually have a slew of subordinates to delegate some tasks to, but there was a limited amount of the ones that actually met his cleaning standards. The thing is, it's a bit of a risk and reward; sure a larger space is harder to maintain, but if they're not going to get it they might as well stay in the apartment. "Besides, I'll need something to do if I retire."
He means it as dry humor, but once it's out of his mouth he's stuck in a bit of disbelief again, because he's probably closer to it being achievable than he's ever been. Not even because of the fact among Scouts especially almost nobody would reach retirement age -- it's a fact, but Levi's been decent denying those odds -- but he'd just always been too busy, too necessary to consider even taking a break, let alone retirement. Now it's there for the taking, if he wishes. It's a bit scary, in all honestly, so as usual, he commits and deflects.
"...Too bad those cozy military pensions aren't gonna reach us here, huh."
they are ;;
"Mm," he agrees mildly. "So long as you leave time for other things, too." It's a gentle tease; they have so many things they could spend time doing together, even more than they do now.
The military pensions get a bit of a wry smile and a chuckle, nosing into black hair. "They always tried to sound generous, trying to get both of us to set aside more, knowing they'd never have to pay it out." Neither of them had families it would go to, after all. "Better to try using it while I could, and use it on fancy dinners for the two of us."
And fancy soap every time he visited Mitras, and specialty tea if they ran out of the stuff he'd bought by defrauding the crown over the amount of taxes owed, and the occasional nice clothing for Levi on his birthday. The little things, really.
;;
It's not now -- well, a different one is missing now instead. But rather than missing them both, this particular hole in his heart has been snugly filled up. He feels a bit more whole again.
"Fine. Time enough for cleaning and you kicking my ass at chess." There are absolutely more things they can and will do, but the teasing goes both ways. Not that Levi doesn't still enjoy it, in all honesty. Board games are not something he gets particularly competitive about... or perhaps he just hasn't discovered The One just yet. But it means he doesn't care about the result; instead it's just another nice way to spend time together, just like their evening reading hour.
He sighs, Erwin's response to his intended quip now turning a bit melancholic. Oh, he absolutely knew that the man was bending rules and budget to get him treats for years, but it perhaps had not occurred that he'd been using his own retirement funds to supplement it, too. Worse yet, he indeed ended up not needing them, and that just isn't fair. He deserved that pile of fucking money and a peaceful life.
At least Levi can try to give him both here.
"And here I thought you were committing tax fraud for our dinners," he tsks, fully aware that's still (probably, partially) the case. "Guess romance really is dead."
no subject
Regardless of how things turned out, he would always be grateful for that.
And for this.
Even after being an animal for several hours, he still smells good. Perfectly, wonderfully familiar. He's probably thought this several times already now, but...it's still true.
So he smiles and chuckles softly, trying to turn the mood back around. Forgive him, Levi - sometimes he has to take things a little too literally.
"In your own defense, you often give me a run for my money. Most of the time, in fact." Truly, Erwin never gets bored playing with him; Levi's gambits are a wonderful puzzle each and every time.
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He crawls a little higher up, so he can rest his face in the nook where Erwin's neck meets his shoulder, quietly breathing in his scent in return. It feels soothing, not tinted by death, masculine but still quite fresh -- good to know he takes washing seriously, especially now that they spend so much time together.
"Are you buttering me up so I keep playing with you?" he drawls, a hint of playfulness in his otherwise level tone. He can't pretend he's good at strategy games, but every now and then, his way of thinking, Kenny's training perhaps, lends to him blindsiding the other man with something completely out of the box. It still doesn't win him the game, but at least it keeps Erwin on his toes, lets him enjoy a challenge.
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As he snuggles closer, Erwin happily rests his cheek against Levi's hair, soft like midnight silk. He loves every moment of this closeness, sweet and quiet and intimate. Both arms wrap even more thoroughly around the smaller man, going even more boneless. There will never be anything that makes him take this for granted...
"Hmm, perhaps," he plays back, warmly content. "And will happily continue to bribe you however I must, because I do enjoy it immensely."
Watching Levi's mind work across the board is one of his favorite aspects of the whole thing, honestly; the way his expression shifts minutely as he considers his options, the crease of his brow, gray eyes surveying, sometimes arrowing him with a scowl, the frown, his posture - perhaps mostly, Erwin will just never get tired of observing him no matter what he does.
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"Hm," Levi hums, not bothering to move, likewise growing gradually limp in Erwin's arms, so grateful for the moment. "Suppose I'll continue to allow that, then."
He nudges his head slightly against the other man's neck, affectionate. Perhaps the creature instincts haven't completely left him yet, but then again, it's not like he hasn't always been vaguely cat-like outside of that.
"Don't enjoy it too much, though, or you might just lose."
He may be aware of Erwin watching him. He likes it, and as much as he doesn't find himself that exciting looks wise, he gets it because he certainly stares at Erwin plenty when he thinks he's not paying attention, too. He loves all of his stupidly big features, the way his giant eyebrows make it so easy to read his mood, the way his eyes shine when he's happy or amused, the way his voice sounds when he says Levi's name, and the way his large body makes for an excellent perch or pillow.
Looking's great, but touching, melding into each other like this is even better.
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But this, with Levi tucked against him, nuzzled under his chin...Erwin would never trade this for anything.
He chuckles softly, the sound rumbling in his chest against Levi's ear, and just basks in this gentle contentment.
"Perhaps I might enjoy losing to you Levi, once in a while."
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It was never the right time.
But now it is.
"If you want to eat dirt that badly, we could always have a sparring match."
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"I wouldn't mind that," he answers truthfully. Of course he'll never win, but much like chess, that's hardly the point.
"Sparring, I mean. Although eating dirt would mean I couldn't kiss you until my mouth is clean again."
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...actually, he's not sure if it's accurate to call that place home anymore. Home has always been people, for him. His home is now here.
"Could've said something earlier, big guy. I can always make a spot for you in the kids' training."
Which would probably be pretty embarrassing. Not that Erwin isn't-- wasn't-- a beast in combat of his own, but he certainly hadn't been keeping up with the exercise routine as diligently as some of them. Which is fine. If Levi has a say in it, he'll never have to fight for his life again... though perhaps it's a good idea to still prepare a little, just in case. But if he wants to get knocked on his ass...
"Or would you prefer private lessons? Might be better for morale, huh?"
Not letting the kids see their former Commander face down in the mud would have definitely been the preferred option back home. Here it doesn't matter as much, probably, if Erwin isn't going to be in that role anymore. He can get to know them differently, perhaps even as peers, a chance they never had before.
Levi's voice is just as dry and flat as ever, but there's probably something teasing about it. It's... not exactly flirting, but it sure is something.
"We can include a section on mouth rinsing in that, too."
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There's maybe a chance to develop a friendly relationship with them in ways he'd never could before, it's true...yet Erwin has to wonder if he'll really ever be anything but a former Commander to them. Maybe that's how it should be; they have their own lives here, a chance to live mostly peacefully. His presence would likely be a reminder of their world in a way that is more painful and stark in a way Levi's never would be, and Erwin doesn't wish to cast a shadow. Much like removing himself from a party so that his soldiers could fully unwind without having to worry about decorum, he'd much rather be more on the side of hands off so that they don't have to worry.
"Private lessons would be best, I think," he agrees wryly. "I believe I can handle cleaning my mouth on my own, unless you have some complaints you've been holding back on recently?"
But since when does Levi ever hold back a complaint?
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"Oi," he says seriously, frowning slightly, "Erwin. You know I like you exactly as you are, right? With the giant eyebrows and the big mouth and whatever the fuck goes on in that head of yours." Yes, he might be making a note to mention the things he knows Erwin is or has been insecure about or in trouble over. He wiggles to shift his weight to his knees, so he can raise himself further and accentuate his words by softly pressing his lips to the middle of each aforementioned giant eyebrow, then on the crook of his nose.
"Even the morning constipation." There it is, the need to pull back just a little with something crude or humorous when things are getting too real, but after a small pause, he continues on, because he needs to say it, needs this man to know that he doesn't need to change anything he doesn't want to.
"And if we get to grow old and flabby--" which would be a miracle, frankly, getting to do that, together, and how could he possibly care about anything superficial in the face of that? "--you'll still be perfect like that."
His cheeks color slightly, perhaps a little taken aback by his own use of the word perfect like that, but he's not taking it back. That's what Erwin is, to him; it's not that he's blind to his many flaws, but their existence rounds him out into a proper, real human being that Levi wouldn't trade for any facade free of imperfections. He hopes the other man catches onto that distinction without needing to explain it again, but he does watch his face carefully just in case he's accidentally caused any more damage in his attempt to mitigate it.
"Got it?"
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It hadn't even been that Erwin is worried that his shortcomings somehow disappointed Levi, or would somehow drive him away; no, they've proved to one another over and over again that isn't the case. Not keeping up with his military skills wouldn't be the thing that would cause Levi to lose faith in him...at this point, Erwin isn't sure he could do that, even if he tried. Even as self loathing as he can be, he's never had the fortitude or strength to consider pushing him away, nor would ever want to.
The word 'perfect' tightens his throat (and he knows, of course, what that means), but perhaps not so much as the thought of growing old with Levi. There's no further damage, as Levi fears, but just open adoration, appreciation, gratitude. For a a few heartbeats, Erwin just gazes at him like that, noting that soft flush with a gentle brush of his thumb over the curve of one cheekbone. The expression he's faced with is one he's seen dozens if not hundreds of times before, and Erwin knows better than to argue.
Not that he wishes to, anyway.
He answers back, soft and warm: "Understood, Levi."
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Levi stares him down for a few moments longer, just to make sure that he really got the message loud and clear, then huffs quietly. "Good," he says, laying right back down on top of him. Apparently that's how he plans to spend the rest of his day... well, perhaps the suggestion of tea and that peach treat would get him to let Erwin free.
For now, though, he stays right there, comfortable, quiet for a while, though eventually he does pick up on that conversation thread he'd dropped in order to give Erwin his aggressive appreciation.
"We can still exercise together, of course. But only if you want to."
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Erwin's not thinking much of tea and peach treats right now, although he'll certainly suggest it later. Right now, Levi's draped weight is the comfort he needs, and he's not in a hurry to dislodge him at the moment. He threads his fingers through soft hair again, palm sliding down to his back.
"I'd like that," he affirms again, warmly. Truthfully, Erwin is happy for any time spent with Levi. "I could use it, to keep my joints from getting stiff, at least." Over the last year his body has definitely changed - not just with a regrown arm and a little gained weight, but going to a less active (less stressful) daily routine has brought on different sorts of aches and pains.
wrap probably?