seasonsrpg | semi-open 💐 I had to fall to lose it all

{ he'll just need time. honestly what he saw happen felt much worse than what actually happened. not to mention the conditions surrounding it.

when she pulls back he loosens his hold, opening his own eyes to find that tears have formed at the corners from how tight they'd been shut. it's almost like a dam broke loose last night, years of holding back slowly peeling away the top layers of careful masking. he can't really pretend to be fine in this instance, but he doesn't sob, doesn't sound overly emotional, the tears just fall silently as he looks at how upset she is. }

I was two days travel away, even if you'd known... there was nothing you could have done. Honestly, I doubt there was anything anyone could have done. But I'll stay in the city for a while now, I think. I don't... think I could go further just yet.

[ Honestly, she doesn't really know what to say. She wants to make things better, as she normally does. It is in her nature. Yet, at a time like this, she does not know how. She has no idea. ]

Thank you for coming home, Ayato...

[ Ayaka bows her head low, her gratitude coming from the bottom of her heart.

She remains silent after that. For a good few moments, anyway, until she realises— ]

M- Mister Kaveh— he was with you, wasn't he?

[ She wishes she hadn't asked that. It feels as if she already knows what the answer might be. ]

{ he wishes she hadn't asked that, as kaveh's name triggers something in him that somehow makes him seem even paler, his hand reaching for his mouth, eyes wide and unfocused because everytime he tries to recall kaveh, tries to remember the details it comes back to this (and it's partly why the words on the paper are in bits and pieces, why when she walked in the room he'd been so out of it.) and he remembers kaveh calling out for alhaitham as though he was there, crying in pain in his final moments.

he doesn't make any noises, but that may be muffled with how hard his hand covers his mouth, willing himself to not be sick as his stomach twists.

he can't answer her with words, but if she looks up there's visual confirmation in the way he acts now.

how many people has he had to watch die in his service over the years? none of them had been as horrific as this had been. nor had he been quite as close to them either. a professionalism that saved him from this level of despair he feels now. }

[ That is... pretty much all she needs to know to answer her question. She makes a mental note to contact Kaveh later, not even to ask for details, but to check on him, as well. ]

I'm sorry.

[ It feels like it's all she's been saying lately... But she doesn't really know what to do in a situation like this. It doesn't seem like her question was a good one, either, given her brother's expression.

Her words are more coherent now, and the tears on her face have dried some. It doesn't make her feel any better, but she needs to move on... she should be taking care of her brother first, rather than herself. ]

Is there anything I can get you, Ayato?

{ at her apology he shakes his head, though his hand doesn't pull away from his mouth just yet. it isn't fair to her for her to have to apologise, not when she doesn't know.

he tries to focus on her face, lets his other hand shift to brush her bangs from her face, away from the drying tears. methodically he'll use his thumb to brush those away to, finding it calming to have this to focus on. gradually, as the minutes pass, he finally can lower his hand again. }

Just your presence is enough, if you're willing to stay a while. I may not be in the best state for conversation, but it serves as an... anchor. My thoughts keep drifting against my will.

[ Ayaka had planned on making breakfast and starting her day, but this takes much more importance. She can handle the consequences later, but she decides to drop everything she has planned for the sake of taking care of her brother. ]

I- I will stay by your side, Ayato, [ Looking at her brother now, she almost wants to cry again. Those grey eyes of hers become watery once more, but she steels herself and contains it.

She nuzzles her face against his hand while cupping a hand over his. ] I won't leave.

Thank you. { his voice is quiet as he says it, his thumb continuing to gently stroke her cheek. } You'll need to eat and other things of course, but... it seems to be easier when you're here. { and she should be able to tell that's true. he may still look like he's struggling to not break down, but his mind isn't blanking out on him, he isn't staring into space and struggling to make himself aware. } Thoma needed to rest. I can't bring myself to sleep yet.

[ It will come to her much later. Did Thoma know even before she did? Was that why he said Ayato wouldn't be home for a while? Why didn't he tell her then?

It was already strange to begin with, but Ayaka could hardly find fault in those she trusts. There had to have been a good reason... She hopes there was.

Ayaka had let go already, but if being here with Ayato does some good, then she won't leave. She moves closer to embrace her brother again, burrowing her face against the crook of his neck. She'll be here for you always, Ayato. Just as you have been with her. ]

{ it isn't something he plans to keep a secret from her in this instance, but he doesn't realise the implication by his words right now--he just meant thoma was in his room asleep, and while he could just go back there, he doesn't want the lull of sleep to pull him in yet.

he's using insomnia control to keep awake. enough that while he's clear he's been up by his clothing and the like, he doesn't appear overly tired. any tiredness that lingers is from crying for the first time in years.

when ayaka leans back in though, he'll sigh out softly, relief evident in that one rush of breath. anyone else and he'd likely be ready to flinch away, a reminder of being gripped and pulled in the back of his mind. ayaka's warmth and her small frame make it much easier. }

Are you comfortable enough like this?

[ Ayaka doesn't respond verbally, merely making a small sound of confirmation as she nods. This isn't comfortable, but... she wants to stay close to her brother. ]

Just a little longer, please?

Of course.

{ his own voice is quiet as his hands finally shift properly, one curving around the back of her head to hold her steady. }

Take as long as you need.

{ because he feels calmer already like this. and this is precisely he wanted to wait until he was back to tell her. imagining what it would be like without that reassurance... he doesn't want to think about it. the brief moment that flashes across his mind he tightens his hold slightly, before he's shifting to press a small, gentle kiss against her forehead. }

[ Ayaka doesn't really have anything else to say now, and what she wanted to do to start her day has been forgotten. At some point, she lets go of Ayato, only to sit down before him and just... stays there. Hands on her lap, head bowed slightly.

Her heart does not ache anymore, and she's ceased crying for now. So many questions fill her head, but she doesn't verbalise any of them. These are things she has to reflect on for herself first... ]

You can sit next to me if it's more comfortable.

{ seeing her respond like this, how small she seems when she's pulled away and started to sit quietly, only makes him feel worse. guilt gnaws at him, and his hands curl against the fabric of his trousers of his thighs.

and his mind slips again, not having anything to concentrate on as both the touch and conversation leaves. his hand twitches on his lap, eyes glazing over slowly but he doesn't know where ayaka put his pen before. he doesn't know how to write anything down, even if the words are jumbled anyway.

his eyes sweep across the floor and table, reaching for it when he finds it, instantly scratching fountain pen over paper to make those notes before he drops them off to the side. }

[ She's fine like this, Ayato. She doesn't want to make any requests, or ask for anything else. So long as her brother is here, that's all that matters.

So she shakes her head, only being able to look at Ayato for a split second before she lowers her gaze again. ]

Would... Would you like some tea?

{ he pauses at her question, finger tapping at the sofa as he thinks. can he stomach tea? maybe. probably. }

Tea would be a good idea, I think.

{ he does feel thirsty, and he'll need something to keep his magical energy up when eating seems like a challenge at the moment. }

[ This means Ayaka can do something, rather than just sit. But that also means leaving Ayato...

She was the one who asked if he wanted some tea, but. . . ]

Come with me?

{ a small nod follows her question, though he doesn't know if she'll see it with how she's been sitting. he's worried, that this had been too much to say but it isn't like he can hide something like this either. }

Of course. Do you need a hand up?

[ Ayaka doesn't see the nod, but she does look at him when he responds. She nods back to acknowledge that they'll get tea, and is in a hurry to rise to her feet. Whether or not Ayato gets up in time to help her up, Ayaka is back up, and she waits for him before leading him to the kitchen.

If he's been there in the living room all night, the short walk can at least provide some exercise and fresh air. Ayaka starts preparing the tea and some snacks, while Ayato waits. ]

{ well if he tries to get up at the same time it would likely go wrong, but before or after should be fine. he doesn't want to headbutt her skdjg

he'll follow quietly though, and she's probably right that his body aches from barely moving for hours.

but as he notices her starting to put snacks together, he can feel dread pooling in his stomach as it starts to twist.

his voice is quiet, but given how quiet the room is she'll be able to hear it. }

You should probably prepare breakfast for yourself instead. I'm... not hungry.

[ She doesn't ask anymore if he's sure. . . There is probably no point to.

She does, at least, turn around and nod his way in acknowledgement. Hopefully Ayato won't get sick if he skips meals, but the tea should help him, too. ]

I'll just prepare something for Thoma and Cloud, then.

{ he nods at that as well, before realising she's probably too busy to see. }

Of course.

{ he'll try to have something light later, but forgive him for being picky for a while, ayaka. his stomach has been Through Things.

and so he goes quiet again, where normally he'd fill the quiet with her to ask her about how her time has been, has she been busy? right now, it's just endless silence. }

[ In Inazuma, the Kamisato Estate was always so lively. People would always be singing and dancing, celebrating and being merry. For a key member of the Kamisato Clan to not emulate that would be a disappointment to the people of Inazuma, but Ayaka doesn't think she can start singing after knowing what happened to her brother.

It really should be a moment to celebrate— she is glad and relieved that he is here, and he was able to come home. That doesn't really erase the fact that something bad did happen, though. Perhaps they can have a light conversation later. Right now, even Ayaka isn't really up for it.

Ayaka does not prepare matcha, instead a pot of genmaicha, something more filling than the usual. It does not take long to make, nor for its smell to move around the kitchen and even into the living room. Anyone joining them at this time would know that there is freshly brewed tea.

As for the food... ]

Ayato? What kind of sandwich do you think Thoma would like?

[ She'll ask for his input! And if he's up to it, he can help her make breakfast for their ~~wives beaus husbands~~ boyfriends. ]

{ while ayaka prepares the tea, ayato watches. his eyes are lowered to her hands as she tips the leaves, pours the water, all the gentle steps as a routine giving some peace of mind. in a way he stares through it, seeing the motions rather than the person herself.

it's why he blinks rapidly when he hears his name after a time, startled as his eyes shoot up to her face. }

Oh. { a hand raises to his mouth, fingers touching the skin of his lips as his brow furrows. he tries to think of different food he may want, but it turns out even the idea of it makes his stomach turn uncomfortably.

his eyes turn sharply away, face going pale as his eyes clothes. }

Sorry, Ayaka. I'm... apparently not even able imagine food without feeling sick still at the moment. Maybe the tea will help and I can try again in a moment. { because he knows this was her attempt to try and involve him, it has to be. } Otherwise feel free to choose whatever Cloud would like best, I'm sure Thoma wouldn't mind.

[ It is Ayato who is apologising, but it is Ayaka who feels so embarrassed, as if she has wronged her brother.

She bows her head immediately. ]

Please excuse me for being so insensitive. I— [ Didn't know that that was what Ayato was feeling... But she does not continue. It just sounds like a convenient excuse to her. She should have been more thoughtful. ] I'll be the one to decide, then.

[ It's no big deal, but she doesn't wish to cause inconvenience and pain to her brother any further. ]

{ in all fairness to them both, he hasn't spoken any details of it--he's still avoiding it in a way. but at least she now knows why he didn't feel hungry. why he still doesn't.

why when the tea is ready he'll hold it against his face, as the scent of tea will likely cover the scent of food. }

Unless I'm more open about it, you won't know... so please don't apologise for being insensitive. It just may take me a while to have an appetite.

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