[He knew what 'refractory' meant, but somehow he had a feeling that the definition of 'resisting control and/or authority' didn't apply in this instance.]
That... didn't come up in the books, no.
[He dipped his paintbrush to gather more red paint on it, to fix the smeared mess he'd made of the apple he'd tried to do - it now resembled a very large and strangely ominous looking red whirlpool.]
But I can make an educated guess based on context. People only really finish 'once', and need some time before they can go again? [...wait.] No, you specified 'guys'...
[So women could go multiple times in quick succession? That explained it: a lot of romance novels starred women in the equation somewhere.]
[ ... okay, maybe he should be a little concerned about the kind of fake knowledge Byleth has been absorbing from his novels, and it may be a good idea to do some quick research on his own, just to better grasp what he's dealing with here.
In any case, he breathes a low sigh of relief once Byleth corrects his assumption from context alone, and it gives him enough peace of mind to focus back on his painting. ]
Yeah, that's pretty much it. [ When his brush touches the canvas again, it runs a curved line, turns into an U shape at the bottom, then up and connects back at the black circle; this puppy is getting long ears. ] Guys need a moment after they finish, but women can keep going for as long as they please. Bit unfair, if you ask me!
[ The goddess is female, after all! Though the Seiros folks probably wouldn't appreciate the implication that their highest deity was slutty... ]
My point is, if you wanna do this without that tea, then don't expect to go again so soon after the first time. Unless you want to give those weird earrings a try along with it...
[ It's a joke!! ... mostly! (Not pictured: Shez mentally making kombucha girl faces at the idea.) ]
[Byleth nodded along at Shez's educational explanation, readjusting his expectations for the next time they engaged in clean, non-aprodisiac'd fun. Well, until Shez brought up the Genderrings...
Was that a thing they could do? Byleth hadn't exactly examined himself in intimate detail when trying them out before; mostly he had noted how the chest area had become a little unwieldy, and his centre of gravity shifted lower - along with his height in general. He hadn't stayed long enough in that form to study the... change in plumbing, so to speak, and definitely hadn't field-tested it in sexual activities. It made sense it would function exactly like a woman's though, which meant he wouldn't be constrained by his abysmal stamina, since that was a real concern considering his inexperience...
...
...really, it wasn't too out there for him. A few stories had that exact scenario for some of its smutty plotlines. He was just surprised Shez floated it as an idea.]
[ Remind him to never make jokes with Byleth ever again. (It won't work, he'll still make jokes.) ]
Well, you were pretty cute as a girl-- [ To say nothing of the... added attributes, but he's trying to keep it appropriate here. ] --but this is about what you still need to learn, and you're a guy. It would be different if you were doing it purely out of self-indulgence, but as far as gaining experience goes, it would be pretty useless.
[ In other words: he would not be opposed to it if they were doing it just for fun and pleasure, but the important part is that Byleth figures himself out as he normally is. That is what this is about... right? ]
[For some reason, Byleth felt... something, at Shez calling him 'cute', something that made him feel a little shifty and bashful - and unsure on how to channel that emotion into something that wasn't staring stupidly into space while turning bright as a tomato, he instead focused intently on his canvas, blindly slapping the paintbrush on there and leaving a bright red smear of red - like a bloody trail.
It went really well with the ominous whirlpool consuming the whole bottom corner there.]
I... I see. That does make sense. [And it did, once he grappled his brain into actually processing Shez's words beyond "you were pretty cute as a girl".] I should focus more on building up my foundational skills before attempting something adventurous like that.
[He won't be able to build up his stamina by trying to sidestep it with the Genderrings - it would just compound the problem. No, Byleth will have to endure a few embarrassing attempts where he finished too quickly before he began to get the hang of it. And then from there...]
But after that... we can probably try it. I'm curious.
[ Don't worry, Byleth can rest safe in the knowledge that Shez is fully oblivious to his tomato-red flush to match the blood-red splotches on his canvas, his eyes perfectly trained on his own painting.
That is, until Byleth adds that very last bit, and the puppy's ear is treated to an unplanned black spot as the brush abruptly slides out of place. ]
After that.
[ It bears repeating, as though the echo would help Shez process it faster. Somehow, the information does something funny to his insides, a flutter in his chest that shoots straight for his gut and lands like a belly-flop, rinse and repeat for as long as his eyes continue to vacantly stare at the canvas.
(It does something funny to his outsides, too; his lips press into a thin line, but the corners twitch with a persistent quirk.) ]
Okay, so-- [ So, he needs to clear his throat and steady his voice-- it's just slightly pitched for a second, only at the very last syllable. ] --this isn't gonna be a one-and-done deal? We're gonna try this more... frequently?
[Byleth's voice came out a little more uncertain than he liked. He had assumed that's what they had agreed to, that they'd continue more intimate relations a few more times to gain more experience - as peers, rather than teacher and student. Had he... misunderstood? Had Shez only wanted to do it only once more?]
As we can only go one round at a time, then... won't we need to do it repeatedly for me to gain substantial experience? It's not something that can be done in one session, correct?
[He lowered his paintbrush, and sort of, not-quite-looked at Shez, his cheeks still as rosy as the red paint splashed over his canvas.]
And, as I said before, I enjoyed it... with you. I don't mind doing it again with you, more than once.
[ The first time Byleth said that, Shez could take it in stride, chalk it up to his inexperience and lacking social skills, no reason to make a big deal out of it. But as he repeats it -- that he enjoyed it with him, that he doesn't mind doing it with him -- Shez struggles to ignore that nagging (non-Arval) voice telling him something about his arrangement just feels... off. Like there's more to it than simply helping a friend figure himself out.
... is it Byleth who's obtuse, or is it him? ]
Ah, no, you're right-- it would be a lot to pick up on in a single [ how are they calling this ] session. I'm fine with going multiple.
[ That's the straightforward part of his answer, firmly established before Byleth could misinterpret it as reluctance or rejection. The next part, however, takes more effort, his paintbrush idly smoothing out the same line on the canvas as he fishes for words. ]
So... I know you wanna do this partly to learn, and partly because you're curious, but is there any part of you that wants to do it just for the fun of it? Or is there another reason?
[ What other reason, Shez has no idea. But there's something about Byleth's swift change in approach to intimacy that he just can't quite place. ]
[Byleth abandoned all pretence of painting at that question, half-turning towards Shez to spear him with an intense stare. In classic Byleth fashion, he wasn't subtle about his attention at all and his expression gave nothing away, with only the lingering pink of his cheeks giving a hint to his ambiguous thoughts.
Truth was: he didn't know. This whole thing began due to curiosity but had transformed into something else Byleth lacked the words or worldliness to really understand. He felt like it wasn't a bad thing, though. As confusing and alarming as this arrangement ended up being for short moments, Byleth couldn't say he regretted a single part of it - or even disliked it. He found it interesting, novel and informative and... dare he say it, fun?
But what part of it did he find fun? Learning something new? Experiencing orgasms (those were pretty fun, he had to admit)? Or was it doing an activity with Shez in general, who he found a strange kinship with? Maybe it was all of them combined...]
...if I found any part of this uncomfortable or unenjoyable, I wouldn't do it no matter how curious I was.
[That much, he could say with absolute confidence, was true.]
I feel safe with you, I think. I know I can trust you, so I... don't have to stress about your intentions, or second-guess your actions. It makes it easier to experience the 'fun', since I can lower my guard...
[Did this answer Shez's question? Byleth wasn't sure. But he was sort of just saying whatever came to mind - yet was still true - still hunting for that answer himself.]
[ Well, yes, it does answer a part of it-- the (very roundabout) admission that Byleth does have fun with it, that is. It's quite the relief, too; despite some early incidents with near combustion, Shez wouldn't think this has been uncomfortable for his friend -- since they have clearly established Byleth's trust in him as the priority requirement -- but there was still something missing from the equation.
And maybe that's another reason why he prefers this new approach to it; whereas Byleth might have needed the 'controlled setting' just to acclimate to the idea, Shez is happy to move on from calling this a lesson. The name makes it sound so... unnecessarily stuffy, closer to a chore than sex should ever have to be. ]
Yeah, I'm glad to hear that. But--
[ There is a but, and again, Shez catches himself picking at his brain for the right words, for how to convey his thoughts in a way that Byleth can understand despite his inexperience and (alleged) disinterest. ]
Okay, let's go back to treating this as a sparring match. People train for self-improvement, but also as a means to prepare for greater challenges to come. Is that what you're trying to do?
[ ... is this doing more harm than good, maybe be should just be more straightforward next time. ]
[Maybe he should've. Byleth's beginning to get a distinctly puzzled air about him - which always precluded him coming to some outrageous conclusions in that weird little head of his.]
...as you say, isn't that the purpose of a sparring match? As we progress in our sexual exploration, the difficulty level of the acts we want to try will rise. It'd be wise of us to prepare for that accordingly.
[And do you know the best way to achieve that?]
Which is why we should read more erotica. That can be our theory lessons.
[ Okay, first: yes, he'll definitely be more straightforward next time.
Second: RECORD SCRATCH-- WAIT, WAIT, STOP THE CAR. Why are they discussing a difficulty spike, how advanced exactly is Byleth trying to get and why is he suddenly so, uh, dedicated to the cause... ]
Yeah, I think you read enough erotica for the both of us, buddy. I'm as prepared as I need be.
[ ... oh lord, let's hope and pray the weirdo won't take this to mean Shez is some kind of sexual deviant, he's just a regular guy with a perfectly ordinary amount of experience! ]
Anyway! [ Quick shake of his head! Back to the point he was trying (and failing) to make: ] What I meant to say was, is there anyone you're trying to pursue-- y'know, romantically? Someone you're trying to get better for?
[Byleth actually stared at Shez as if he had suddenly started licking the paint off his canvas: confused, taken aback and mildly concerned.]
...no? I've no interest in anyone, sexually or romantically.
[He thought he'd made it clear with his whole lack of experience in something almost all of his peers had at least dabbled in, if only in masturbation. Byleth wasn't roused by any of the books he read, even after that night with Shez and enlightening him to the fun that could be had from orgasms. He hadn't found it titillating at all, and assumed that he was incapable of being aroused without there being significant stimulation from either a trusted friend or aphrodisiacs, apparently.
He still lacked a sex drive. He didn't look at someone and feel the same things he felt with Shez while under the influence of aphrodisiacs. He just... looked at them and felt his usual neutrality. It was only looking at and thinking about Shez that he felt a little odd... but likely it was his body recalling the sensations from that night and reacting according.]
[ In response to Byleth's stare, Shez brandishes an accusing paintbrush at him-- don't give him that look! ]
Hey, I had to make sure, okay! It's not like I get what's going on in your head half the time!
[ Which! Is a perfectly valid reason to ask in its own right! He's met people from all walks of life and sure, even the rare instance where they did seem like they felt no sexual attraction whatsoever, but to have such... selective interest? He can't even in good conscience chalk that up to a low libido because, aphrodisiacs aside, Byleth was right here, propositioning him, more than just once, and agreeing to trying out his female form again for the sake of multiple orgasms, and shamelessly -- he's just! so! shameless!! -- suggesting they should prepare for more advanced sexual acts and all the while claiming he only wants it with Shez? Because of Shez? Does he--
... hm. Perhaps this is... another one of his oddities, that's all. With time, Shez has even come to understand some of them, so perhaps one day he'll be enlightened. For now, he shifts gears again, back to the other half of his conundrum: ]
Besides, I wouldn't feel right to intrude on something like that, if you had someone you were interested in. [ And while they're at it: ] Actually, that should be one of our ground rules: if either of us gets interested in someone else while we're still doing this, we should come forward about it and then figure out where to go from there. How does it sound?
That sounds reasonable. If you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, romantically, I wouldn't want to cause complications by being your...
[He paused, trying to recall the proper terminology.]
...side piece? Yes, side piece.
[Nailed it. He nodded to himself, and turned back to his canvas, deciding to slap some colour other than red on there. How about green? To put a leaf on his ominous apple-whirlpool. In his mind, he felt like they had come to a reasonable agreement about this whole arrangement... though no closer on knowing on how to ask to start a session. He was pretty certain he recalled reading in his novels that 'timing was key', as it was in all things ranging from spars to ambushes. It made sense that it was true for booty calls too!
Maybe he should just ask it bluntly...?]
In general, though, I feel that we should be very communicative about our thoughts and feelings on this arrangement.
Between this and the whole "someone to spend the rest of his life with" deal, Shez can't figure out which part of Byleth's terminology has him staring the hardest, eyes squinting and lips half parted as if he can't find his own words. ]
Y'know, for someone often so stoic and poised, you sure can be awfully dramatic sometimes.
[ Again, #JustBylethThings, he assumes! It doesn't even stun him out of action nearly as bad as it once did, really! ]
Anyway, yeah, I agree. And we can work on more ground rules as we go, but it kinda looks like you already have something else you wanna bring up? Is that right?
[Byleth drew the word out, if only to cover up his own surprise at how well Shez had read him. It never failed to take him off guard, being used to only Jeralt seeing right through his blank facade and accurately guessing if there was something on his mind, or something he wanted to say but didn't know how. Even this Shez was getting good at it, and he wasn't as close as the Shez from Byleth's world.]
I'm wondering what the rules are... as in, the proper etiquette for asking, well...
[Ugh, why did he suddenly feel so awkward about this?]
[ ... oh, huh. That's actually a good point, but: ]
You mean... besides asking?
[ Sure, it might be awkward, and some would even think it a bit of a mood-killer, but it is the most straightforward path, isn't it? And particularly with Byleth, who's still a bit skittish with touch under normal circumstances, that has been the way Shez has been trying to approach their intimacy: a little head-ups, giving him a bit of time to familiarize himself with something new, and even the occasional question of consent.
Then again, they were sort of operating on a loose schedule with their 'lessons', and Byleth never had to ask to start a session because the assumption was already there. He can see how the guy would be overthinking things now... ]
When we were hanging out for those lessons, that worked out for you, right? If you don't need a strict schedule anymore, then how about we just keep spending time together like we're doing right now, taking on another quest or checking out a new place in town, and if the urge strikes, we move somewhere more private? That's being pretty communicative about our thoughts and feelings, I'd say.
[ So they'd be... spontaneously spending time together just for the pleasure of each other's company, which would then lead up to a more sexual kind of pleasure. That sounds... hm. ]
[Byleth dabbed a few dots of green above his 'apple'. They almost looked like a pair of eyes glaring out of the canvas. He didn't really notice, deep in thought as he was over Shez's reasonable suggestion. It just sounded so obvious that Byleth felt a little silly that he hadn't realised it for himself. It could be that simple. It didn't have to be a big production every time sexual curiosity struck him, right?]
Maybe I was overthinking it. In romance novels, there always seems to be a need to have such requests be very romantic or... sexually charged, but... I'm not very good at either of those things. If simply asking works, then that's what I'll do.
[ Ah, right, his novels-- of course that's what Byleth is drawing comparisons with! While it's understandable, that's also his first mistake: what they have isn't a (conventional) romance like those stories will tell, and so their dynamics are different for the most part. In fact: ]
Yeah, I think anyone expecting that level of romance from me would be in for a world of disappointment. [ But he's not beating himself up over it; it's actually said with a laugh, the thought genuinely amusing. ] I'm not the type to kneel before my beloved and kiss their knuckles, or make sweeping promises of happiness I can't fulfill just to win them over. On a good day, the most I can promise is to live long enough to see a new dawn; anything beyond that would just be a hopeful lie.
[ There it is, his mercenary pragmatism shining through, and this much, he thinks Byleth can relate to: he goes where the wind takes him, never putting down roots. Actually, haven't they had a conversation like this before? That the only way for Shez to have a lasting relationship would be with someone who both embraced his nomadic life and was strong enough to survive out there; another mercenary would probably be his best bet.
(Now where, oh WHERE could he POSSIBLY find another STRONG MERCENARY he could build such a CLOSE BOND with both emotionally and physically, one who enjoyed kissing him (and ONLY HIM) and having HEATED MAKEOUTS with him free of any aphrodisiacs-- oh wait.) ]
But you know, erotically charged is a lot easier to pull off-- you have done that all on your own, before you even had any real experience. That's a more natural way to go about it and closer to what I'm used to, but asking is probably what works best for you so I can roll with it.
[ Or... he thinks he can, but the truth is that hearing it out loud, even in the context of exemplification only, does... something to his insides. A gut-churning sort of excitement. ]
So yeah, something like that would work just fine. [ Eyes back on his painting! Wow, where did his renewed motivation come from!! ] Just don't overthink it, okay?
[ Yeah, because any minimal amount of actual thinking would ruin the entire façade they're going for here!! ]
[Yeah, if Shez had started acting like one of the love interests in his novels, Byleth would've thought he'd been replaced by a pod person - or possessed yet again. Shez was pragmatic like him, forthright and refreshingly blunt, or at least willing to explain himself if he saw Byleth struggled to understand him. There would be no flowery language from him, or breathless promises of happily ever afters or endless love, no fickleness or the dramatics of jealousy. Shez would just give him the steadiness of a trusted comrade, someone who'd watch his back - and keep pace with him too.
Still, not to say he didn't have his moments, what with calling him pretty or beautiful after they'd been intimate...
(His stomach still did funny things remembering those moments. It was really odd.)]
Okay.
[Byleth's voice is soft, almost inaudible with how quiet it was. Where Shez was focused on his painting, Byleth was focused on him, his gaze fixed on the side of Shez's head with an intensity like he was trying to stare right into Shez's skull and into his brain. Really, Byleth was just thinking, and Shez just so happened to be in the path of his gaze.
And what was he thinking about? Well...]
You called me beautiful before. Did you really mean that?
[ Shez is about to ask him when he said that but then-- oh, oh right. ]
Are you asking if you're conventionally attractive? I'm pretty sure we've been through that before.
[ It's another attempt at lightening up the mood, and he's perfectly aware of what Byleth actually means, but the joke doubles up as a reminder that yes, he's kind of called him pretty even before their whole incident at the hotel, didn't he? And that was... after they first made out, on the same day they happened to discuss the hypotheticals of whether or not they were suited for romance-- as individuals, that is, not as a pair. That was never part of the equation.
(... that wasn't part of the equation, right?) ]
Anyway, I wasn't talking about your looks, you know. [ Eyes still fixed on his canvas, dotting extra spots on his puppy's ears, fixing up fainter lines, anything to avoid Byleth's questioning stare and keep himself distracted from too vivid memories. ] Remember how I said that was the most expressive I'd ever seen you? That's what, and I did mean it. It was... quite the sight.
[ His crying out in pleasure, and a face that screamed of pure bliss... It was the first he's ever seen Byleth look so alive. ]
[Though said as a statement, it really was more of a question, Byleth trying to understand what it was Shez was saying. Was it the vulnerability Byleth had shown? The soft underbelly to the otherwise unapproachable and fearsome 'Ashen Demon'? Or was it just simply... that he'd made an expression, whatever that expression had been? Byleth genuinely had no idea what his face had been doing at the time. Probably something weird.
He had muddled feelings about it. That had just been... an outlier. Everything had been overwhelming or new, so of course that overcame his instinct to remain stoic and unaffected. Facial expressions were, in general, just hard for him. When he tried to smile intentionally, it felt like he was trying to move boulders with how stiff his facial muscles felt. It wasn't something he'd be able to do often, even for Shez.]
[ That gives Shez pause for a moment, his paintbrush idling on the canvas. That isn't exactly what he meant, but he does find it hard to put into more precise words-- all the more so because they're discussing very private matters in such a public venue! ]
That's... only half true? [ Though he sounds unsure, this much is an actual affirmation, a start as he tries to figure out how to better explain himself. ] You are hard to read, but it's not like you never show any emotion, either. It's just... subtle, and I have to really pay attention to all your cues.
[ Like just now, with the way Byleth's intonation had treaded a fine line between statement and question, prompting Shez to further elucidate the matter. If he hadn't been paying attention -- and more importantly, if he hadn't come to know Byleth as well as he does now -- Shez may have left it as it was, a misunderstanding he'd never meant to cause. And who knows how many cues he might have missed in the time they have known each other...
But he does know him better now, and he can make himself better understood, too. And isn't that what they just agreed they would do? ]
Just so we're clear, there's nothing wrong with being the way you are, but sometimes I get the impression you're too... I dunno, guarded? Like you're keeping a lot to yourself, intentionally or not. And at that time, you just... didn't. Even if it was only for that one moment, you held nothing back, and it was pretty amazing to see.
[ As painfully straightforward as he can be, even Shez isn't immune to self-consciousness, his smile a little more rueful as he turns back to his painting. ]
I guess I was happy I could be a part of it. That you could be so free with me.
[ (To say nothing of how flattering it is to make anyone come that hard, but this is definitely too inappropriate for a public venue!!) ]
[And... he did. This wasn't Shez saying that he liked that moment because Byleth had shown emotion, he was saying he liked it because it showed Byleth felt comfortable enough to be so unguarded around him. Byleth could admit he was tense around most people - actually, all people. Even Jeralt and his Shez could never really chip through his defences unless in certain circumstances. It was just... how Byleth was.
He understood how it frustrated most people, or turned them off entirely, but a small handful adjusted to his stoicism. Jeralt, Shez, even Alois... they all rolled with it, worked around it, learned his cues and micro-expressions and understood when he was in the mood for vulnerability and when he really wasn't. Byleth was hard work, and he knew that, so he felt happy when someone like Shez implied that that hard work was worth it.]
I find it... difficult.
[Byleth didn't even bother pretending to paint as he spoke. He was focused too much on saying the Right Thing, whatever that thing was.]
To be vulnerable with someone, to... completely lower my guard. Even with the Shez of my world, or... Jeralt, I find it incredibly hard. I don't know why. It's instinct for me. I think a part of myself is afraid of being hurt, if I make myself too open, even with those I trust. But that night in the hotel room...
[He trailed off, mulling over his words. Now this was difficult. How did Shez make it seem so easy? Saying things straight from the heart so coherently and eloquently? Byleth felt clumsy, unhappy with what actually came out, because he felt it didn't really explain... but he'd started it, so he had to finish it in some way. He just hoped he didn't cause a misunderstanding.]
Part of it might've been the aphrodisiacs lowering my inhibitions, but at the same time... I felt that... I could be vulnerable with you. I'll admit, a part of me was still nervous, but I'm glad I... that I took a chance, because it was nice, to be open with someone I trusted, for a little bit.
[Ugh. That was so clumsy and awkward. Byleth fidgeted with his paintbrush, the tips of his ears turning red.]
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no subject
That... didn't come up in the books, no.
[He dipped his paintbrush to gather more red paint on it, to fix the smeared mess he'd made of the apple he'd tried to do - it now resembled a very large and strangely ominous looking red whirlpool.]
But I can make an educated guess based on context. People only really finish 'once', and need some time before they can go again? [...wait.] No, you specified 'guys'...
[So women could go multiple times in quick succession? That explained it: a lot of romance novels starred women in the equation somewhere.]
no subject
In any case, he breathes a low sigh of relief once Byleth corrects his assumption from context alone, and it gives him enough peace of mind to focus back on his painting. ]
Yeah, that's pretty much it. [ When his brush touches the canvas again, it runs a curved line, turns into an U shape at the bottom, then up and connects back at the black circle; this puppy is getting long ears. ] Guys need a moment after they finish, but women can keep going for as long as they please. Bit unfair, if you ask me!
[ The goddess is female, after all! Though the Seiros folks probably wouldn't appreciate the implication that their highest deity was slutty... ]
My point is, if you wanna do this without that tea, then don't expect to go again so soon after the first time. Unless you want to give those weird earrings a try along with it...
[ It's a joke!! ... mostly! (Not pictured: Shez mentally making kombucha girl faces at the idea.) ]
no subject
Was that a thing they could do? Byleth hadn't exactly examined himself in intimate detail when trying them out before; mostly he had noted how the chest area had become a little unwieldy, and his centre of gravity shifted lower - along with his height in general. He hadn't stayed long enough in that form to study the... change in plumbing, so to speak, and definitely hadn't field-tested it in sexual activities. It made sense it would function exactly like a woman's though, which meant he wouldn't be constrained by his abysmal stamina, since that was a real concern considering his inexperience...
...
...really, it wasn't too out there for him. A few stories had that exact scenario for some of its smutty plotlines. He was just surprised Shez floated it as an idea.]
Is that something you'd be interested in?
no subject
Well, you were pretty cute as a girl-- [ To say nothing of the... added attributes, but he's trying to keep it appropriate here. ] --but this is about what you still need to learn, and you're a guy. It would be different if you were doing it purely out of self-indulgence, but as far as gaining experience goes, it would be pretty useless.
[ In other words: he would not be opposed to it if they were doing it just for fun and pleasure, but the important part is that Byleth figures himself out as he normally is. That is what this is about... right? ]
no subject
It went really well with the ominous whirlpool consuming the whole bottom corner there.]
I... I see. That does make sense. [And it did, once he grappled his brain into actually processing Shez's words beyond "you were pretty cute as a girl".] I should focus more on building up my foundational skills before attempting something adventurous like that.
[He won't be able to build up his stamina by trying to sidestep it with the Genderrings - it would just compound the problem. No, Byleth will have to endure a few embarrassing attempts where he finished too quickly before he began to get the hang of it. And then from there...]
But after that... we can probably try it. I'm curious.
no subject
That is, until Byleth adds that very last bit, and the puppy's ear is treated to an unplanned black spot as the brush abruptly slides out of place. ]
After that.
[ It bears repeating, as though the echo would help Shez process it faster. Somehow, the information does something funny to his insides, a flutter in his chest that shoots straight for his gut and lands like a belly-flop, rinse and repeat for as long as his eyes continue to vacantly stare at the canvas.
(It does something funny to his outsides, too; his lips press into a thin line, but the corners twitch with a persistent quirk.) ]
Okay, so-- [ So, he needs to clear his throat and steady his voice-- it's just slightly pitched for a second, only at the very last syllable. ] --this isn't gonna be a one-and-done deal? We're gonna try this more... frequently?
[ How... How frequent are they talking...?? ]
no subject
[Byleth's voice came out a little more uncertain than he liked. He had assumed that's what they had agreed to, that they'd continue more intimate relations a few more times to gain more experience - as peers, rather than teacher and student. Had he... misunderstood? Had Shez only wanted to do it only once more?]
As we can only go one round at a time, then... won't we need to do it repeatedly for me to gain substantial experience? It's not something that can be done in one session, correct?
[He lowered his paintbrush, and sort of, not-quite-looked at Shez, his cheeks still as rosy as the red paint splashed over his canvas.]
And, as I said before, I enjoyed it... with you. I don't mind doing it again with you, more than once.
no subject
... is it Byleth who's obtuse, or is it him? ]
Ah, no, you're right-- it would be a lot to pick up on in a single [ how are they calling this ] session. I'm fine with going multiple.
[ That's the straightforward part of his answer, firmly established before Byleth could misinterpret it as reluctance or rejection. The next part, however, takes more effort, his paintbrush idly smoothing out the same line on the canvas as he fishes for words. ]
So... I know you wanna do this partly to learn, and partly because you're curious, but is there any part of you that wants to do it just for the fun of it? Or is there another reason?
[ What other reason, Shez has no idea. But there's something about Byleth's swift change in approach to intimacy that he just can't quite place. ]
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[Byleth abandoned all pretence of painting at that question, half-turning towards Shez to spear him with an intense stare. In classic Byleth fashion, he wasn't subtle about his attention at all and his expression gave nothing away, with only the lingering pink of his cheeks giving a hint to his ambiguous thoughts.
Truth was: he didn't know. This whole thing began due to curiosity but had transformed into something else Byleth lacked the words or worldliness to really understand. He felt like it wasn't a bad thing, though. As confusing and alarming as this arrangement ended up being for short moments, Byleth couldn't say he regretted a single part of it - or even disliked it. He found it interesting, novel and informative and... dare he say it, fun?
But what part of it did he find fun? Learning something new? Experiencing orgasms (those were pretty fun, he had to admit)? Or was it doing an activity with Shez in general, who he found a strange kinship with? Maybe it was all of them combined...]
...if I found any part of this uncomfortable or unenjoyable, I wouldn't do it no matter how curious I was.
[That much, he could say with absolute confidence, was true.]
I feel safe with you, I think. I know I can trust you, so I... don't have to stress about your intentions, or second-guess your actions. It makes it easier to experience the 'fun', since I can lower my guard...
[Did this answer Shez's question? Byleth wasn't sure. But he was sort of just saying whatever came to mind - yet was still true - still hunting for that answer himself.]
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And maybe that's another reason why he prefers this new approach to it; whereas Byleth might have needed the 'controlled setting' just to acclimate to the idea, Shez is happy to move on from calling this a lesson. The name makes it sound so... unnecessarily stuffy, closer to a chore than sex should ever have to be. ]
Yeah, I'm glad to hear that. But--
[ There is a but, and again, Shez catches himself picking at his brain for the right words, for how to convey his thoughts in a way that Byleth can understand despite his inexperience and (alleged) disinterest. ]
Okay, let's go back to treating this as a sparring match. People train for self-improvement, but also as a means to prepare for greater challenges to come. Is that what you're trying to do?
[ ... is this doing more harm than good, maybe be should just be more straightforward next time. ]
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...as you say, isn't that the purpose of a sparring match? As we progress in our sexual exploration, the difficulty level of the acts we want to try will rise. It'd be wise of us to prepare for that accordingly.
[And do you know the best way to achieve that?]
Which is why we should read more erotica. That can be our theory lessons.
[HELP HIM.]
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Second: RECORD SCRATCH-- WAIT, WAIT, STOP THE CAR. Why are they discussing a difficulty spike, how advanced exactly is Byleth trying to get and why is he suddenly so, uh, dedicated to the cause... ]
Yeah, I think you read enough erotica for the both of us, buddy. I'm as prepared as I need be.
[ ... oh lord, let's hope and pray the weirdo won't take this to mean Shez is some kind of sexual deviant, he's just a regular guy with a perfectly ordinary amount of experience! ]
Anyway! [ Quick shake of his head! Back to the point he was trying (and failing) to make: ] What I meant to say was, is there anyone you're trying to pursue-- y'know, romantically? Someone you're trying to get better for?
[ There, as direct as it gets! ]
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...no? I've no interest in anyone, sexually or romantically.
[He thought he'd made it clear with his whole lack of experience in something almost all of his peers had at least dabbled in, if only in masturbation. Byleth wasn't roused by any of the books he read, even after that night with Shez and enlightening him to the fun that could be had from orgasms. He hadn't found it titillating at all, and assumed that he was incapable of being aroused without there being significant stimulation from either a trusted friend or aphrodisiacs, apparently.
He still lacked a sex drive. He didn't look at someone and feel the same things he felt with Shez while under the influence of aphrodisiacs. He just... looked at them and felt his usual neutrality. It was only looking at and thinking about Shez that he felt a little odd... but likely it was his body recalling the sensations from that night and reacting according.]
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Hey, I had to make sure, okay! It's not like I get what's going on in your head half the time!
[ Which! Is a perfectly valid reason to ask in its own right! He's met people from all walks of life and sure, even the rare instance where they did seem like they felt no sexual attraction whatsoever, but to have such... selective interest? He can't even in good conscience chalk that up to a low libido because, aphrodisiacs aside, Byleth was right here, propositioning him, more than just once, and agreeing to trying out his female form again for the sake of multiple orgasms, and shamelessly -- he's just! so! shameless!! -- suggesting they should prepare for more advanced sexual acts and all the while claiming he only wants it with Shez? Because of Shez? Does he--
... hm. Perhaps this is... another one of his oddities, that's all. With time, Shez has even come to understand some of them, so perhaps one day he'll be enlightened. For now, he shifts gears again, back to the other half of his conundrum: ]
Besides, I wouldn't feel right to intrude on something like that, if you had someone you were interested in. [ And while they're at it: ] Actually, that should be one of our ground rules: if either of us gets interested in someone else while we're still doing this, we should come forward about it and then figure out where to go from there. How does it sound?
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That sounds reasonable. If you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, romantically, I wouldn't want to cause complications by being your...
[He paused, trying to recall the proper terminology.]
...side piece? Yes, side piece.
[Nailed it. He nodded to himself, and turned back to his canvas, deciding to slap some colour other than red on there. How about green? To put a leaf on his ominous apple-whirlpool. In his mind, he felt like they had come to a reasonable agreement about this whole arrangement... though no closer on knowing on how to ask to start a session. He was pretty certain he recalled reading in his novels that 'timing was key', as it was in all things ranging from spars to ambushes. It made sense that it was true for booty calls too!
Maybe he should just ask it bluntly...?]
In general, though, I feel that we should be very communicative about our thoughts and feelings on this arrangement.
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Between this and the whole "someone to spend the rest of his life with" deal, Shez can't figure out which part of Byleth's terminology has him staring the hardest, eyes squinting and lips half parted as if he can't find his own words. ]
Y'know, for someone often so stoic and poised, you sure can be awfully dramatic sometimes.
[ Again, #JustBylethThings, he assumes! It doesn't even stun him out of action nearly as bad as it once did, really! ]
Anyway, yeah, I agree. And we can work on more ground rules as we go, but it kinda looks like you already have something else you wanna bring up? Is that right?
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[Byleth drew the word out, if only to cover up his own surprise at how well Shez had read him. It never failed to take him off guard, being used to only Jeralt seeing right through his blank facade and accurately guessing if there was something on his mind, or something he wanted to say but didn't know how. Even this Shez was getting good at it, and he wasn't as close as the Shez from Byleth's world.]
I'm wondering what the rules are... as in, the proper etiquette for asking, well...
[Ugh, why did he suddenly feel so awkward about this?]
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You mean... besides asking?
[ Sure, it might be awkward, and some would even think it a bit of a mood-killer, but it is the most straightforward path, isn't it? And particularly with Byleth, who's still a bit skittish with touch under normal circumstances, that has been the way Shez has been trying to approach their intimacy: a little head-ups, giving him a bit of time to familiarize himself with something new, and even the occasional question of consent.
Then again, they were sort of operating on a loose schedule with their 'lessons', and Byleth never had to ask to start a session because the assumption was already there. He can see how the guy would be overthinking things now... ]
When we were hanging out for those lessons, that worked out for you, right? If you don't need a strict schedule anymore, then how about we just keep spending time together like we're doing right now, taking on another quest or checking out a new place in town, and if the urge strikes, we move somewhere more private? That's being pretty communicative about our thoughts and feelings, I'd say.
[ So they'd be... spontaneously spending time together just for the pleasure of each other's company, which would then lead up to a more sexual kind of pleasure. That sounds... hm. ]
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As simple as that, hm?
[Byleth dabbed a few dots of green above his 'apple'. They almost looked like a pair of eyes glaring out of the canvas. He didn't really notice, deep in thought as he was over Shez's reasonable suggestion. It just sounded so obvious that Byleth felt a little silly that he hadn't realised it for himself. It could be that simple. It didn't have to be a big production every time sexual curiosity struck him, right?]
Maybe I was overthinking it. In romance novels, there always seems to be a need to have such requests be very romantic or... sexually charged, but... I'm not very good at either of those things. If simply asking works, then that's what I'll do.
[So...]
Something like: 'can we have sex later?'
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Yeah, I think anyone expecting that level of romance from me would be in for a world of disappointment. [ But he's not beating himself up over it; it's actually said with a laugh, the thought genuinely amusing. ] I'm not the type to kneel before my beloved and kiss their knuckles, or make sweeping promises of happiness I can't fulfill just to win them over. On a good day, the most I can promise is to live long enough to see a new dawn; anything beyond that would just be a hopeful lie.
[ There it is, his mercenary pragmatism shining through, and this much, he thinks Byleth can relate to: he goes where the wind takes him, never putting down roots. Actually, haven't they had a conversation like this before? That the only way for Shez to have a lasting relationship would be with someone who both embraced his nomadic life and was strong enough to survive out there; another mercenary would probably be his best bet.
(Now where, oh WHERE could he POSSIBLY find another STRONG MERCENARY he could build such a CLOSE BOND with both emotionally and physically, one who enjoyed kissing him (and ONLY HIM) and having HEATED MAKEOUTS with him free of any aphrodisiacs-- oh wait.) ]
But you know, erotically charged is a lot easier to pull off-- you have done that all on your own, before you even had any real experience. That's a more natural way to go about it and closer to what I'm used to, but asking is probably what works best for you so I can roll with it.
[ Or... he thinks he can, but the truth is that hearing it out loud, even in the context of exemplification only, does... something to his insides. A gut-churning sort of excitement. ]
So yeah, something like that would work just fine. [ Eyes back on his painting! Wow, where did his renewed motivation come from!! ] Just don't overthink it, okay?
[ Yeah, because any minimal amount of actual thinking would ruin the entire façade they're going for here!! ]
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Still, not to say he didn't have his moments, what with calling him pretty or beautiful after they'd been intimate...
(His stomach still did funny things remembering those moments. It was really odd.)]
Okay.
[Byleth's voice is soft, almost inaudible with how quiet it was. Where Shez was focused on his painting, Byleth was focused on him, his gaze fixed on the side of Shez's head with an intensity like he was trying to stare right into Shez's skull and into his brain. Really, Byleth was just thinking, and Shez just so happened to be in the path of his gaze.
And what was he thinking about? Well...]
You called me beautiful before. Did you really mean that?
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Are you asking if you're conventionally attractive? I'm pretty sure we've been through that before.
[ It's another attempt at lightening up the mood, and he's perfectly aware of what Byleth actually means, but the joke doubles up as a reminder that yes, he's kind of called him pretty even before their whole incident at the hotel, didn't he? And that was... after they first made out, on the same day they happened to discuss the hypotheticals of whether or not they were suited for romance-- as individuals, that is, not as a pair. That was never part of the equation.
(... that wasn't part of the equation, right?) ]
Anyway, I wasn't talking about your looks, you know. [ Eyes still fixed on his canvas, dotting extra spots on his puppy's ears, fixing up fainter lines, anything to avoid Byleth's questioning stare and keep himself distracted from too vivid memories. ] Remember how I said that was the most expressive I'd ever seen you? That's what, and I did mean it. It was... quite the sight.
[ His crying out in pleasure, and a face that screamed of pure bliss... It was the first he's ever seen Byleth look so alive. ]
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[Though said as a statement, it really was more of a question, Byleth trying to understand what it was Shez was saying. Was it the vulnerability Byleth had shown? The soft underbelly to the otherwise unapproachable and fearsome 'Ashen Demon'? Or was it just simply... that he'd made an expression, whatever that expression had been? Byleth genuinely had no idea what his face had been doing at the time. Probably something weird.
He had muddled feelings about it. That had just been... an outlier. Everything had been overwhelming or new, so of course that overcame his instinct to remain stoic and unaffected. Facial expressions were, in general, just hard for him. When he tried to smile intentionally, it felt like he was trying to move boulders with how stiff his facial muscles felt. It wasn't something he'd be able to do often, even for Shez.]
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That's... only half true? [ Though he sounds unsure, this much is an actual affirmation, a start as he tries to figure out how to better explain himself. ] You are hard to read, but it's not like you never show any emotion, either. It's just... subtle, and I have to really pay attention to all your cues.
[ Like just now, with the way Byleth's intonation had treaded a fine line between statement and question, prompting Shez to further elucidate the matter. If he hadn't been paying attention -- and more importantly, if he hadn't come to know Byleth as well as he does now -- Shez may have left it as it was, a misunderstanding he'd never meant to cause. And who knows how many cues he might have missed in the time they have known each other...
But he does know him better now, and he can make himself better understood, too. And isn't that what they just agreed they would do? ]
Just so we're clear, there's nothing wrong with being the way you are, but sometimes I get the impression you're too... I dunno, guarded? Like you're keeping a lot to yourself, intentionally or not. And at that time, you just... didn't. Even if it was only for that one moment, you held nothing back, and it was pretty amazing to see.
[ As painfully straightforward as he can be, even Shez isn't immune to self-consciousness, his smile a little more rueful as he turns back to his painting. ]
I guess I was happy I could be a part of it. That you could be so free with me.
[ (To say nothing of how flattering it is to make anyone come that hard, but this is definitely too inappropriate for a public venue!!) ]
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[And... he did. This wasn't Shez saying that he liked that moment because Byleth had shown emotion, he was saying he liked it because it showed Byleth felt comfortable enough to be so unguarded around him. Byleth could admit he was tense around most people - actually, all people. Even Jeralt and his Shez could never really chip through his defences unless in certain circumstances. It was just... how Byleth was.
He understood how it frustrated most people, or turned them off entirely, but a small handful adjusted to his stoicism. Jeralt, Shez, even Alois... they all rolled with it, worked around it, learned his cues and micro-expressions and understood when he was in the mood for vulnerability and when he really wasn't. Byleth was hard work, and he knew that, so he felt happy when someone like Shez implied that that hard work was worth it.]
I find it... difficult.
[Byleth didn't even bother pretending to paint as he spoke. He was focused too much on saying the Right Thing, whatever that thing was.]
To be vulnerable with someone, to... completely lower my guard. Even with the Shez of my world, or... Jeralt, I find it incredibly hard. I don't know why. It's instinct for me. I think a part of myself is afraid of being hurt, if I make myself too open, even with those I trust. But that night in the hotel room...
[He trailed off, mulling over his words. Now this was difficult. How did Shez make it seem so easy? Saying things straight from the heart so coherently and eloquently? Byleth felt clumsy, unhappy with what actually came out, because he felt it didn't really explain... but he'd started it, so he had to finish it in some way. He just hoped he didn't cause a misunderstanding.]
Part of it might've been the aphrodisiacs lowering my inhibitions, but at the same time... I felt that... I could be vulnerable with you. I'll admit, a part of me was still nervous, but I'm glad I... that I took a chance, because it was nice, to be open with someone I trusted, for a little bit.
[Ugh. That was so clumsy and awkward. Byleth fidgeted with his paintbrush, the tips of his ears turning red.]
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