[Though the response seemed lacklustre, it was obvious that it was more from an inability to fully express himself and just plain not knowing what to say in response to that, rather than disinterest in what Shez was saying. Byleth was staring at him again, his expression difficult to read but his gaze quietly intense.]
You know, Shez, you're the only one who's ever thought that about me. That it's... fine for me to stay true to myself. Even Jeralt thinks I'm strange and wants me to be better at being a person. But you're... very accepting and understanding of me...
[Words were inadequate. Nothing he'd say would be able to fully convey the depth and breadth of his feelings for Shez - not that he could even hope to articulate them in the first place. Not even Byleth fully understood this strange emotion sitting on his chest, feeling both heavy yet extremely light all at once. Shez was... he was so kind and had such a good heart. Boundless patience too, as he dealt with Byleth's various idiosyncrasies with only a sigh or a comment or two (and even those didn't contain much malice).
Forget Seiros - Shez was the true saint of Fódlan.]
Thank you. Um, I know those words probably don't mean much but, still.
[Maybe he should try and get him a fruit basket or something... no, a table at a 5-star all you can eat buffet. Yes, that'd be the perfect thank you gift for Shez!]
[ And there he goes, getting conflicted feelings all over again. On the one hand, he's happy that something otherwise so natural to him could mean so much to a friend, but... is it really necessary to thank him just for accepting Byleth as he is? And did Jeralt really imply his son is not much of a person? He'd like to think no good parent would treat their child so poorly, but, well... he knows Bernadetta's father, for one. And seeing just how skittish Byleth is at the very idea of anyone touching him without warning...
Well! Now he's gone and given himself far too many unpleasant scenarios to think about, but the truth is, he doesn't know for sure what kind of relationship Byleth had with his father-- and as forthright as he is, asking if he's been physically abused would be downright tactless! ]
You don't need to thank me for that, to begin with. [ That's the easiest place to start, even if he's stating what should be obvious. ] But if it means so much to you, then it does to me, too.
[ And now for the more... invasive part. Normally Shez wouldn't hesitate to throw questions at anyone's way, but-- ]
If you don't mind my asking though... Did Jeralt ever actually tell you that? That you're not good at being a person?
[The answer came quick - defensive, almost. Truth was, Jeralt took great pains to never imply Byleth was wanting in any way, but he could never fully hide his apprehension or concern whenever Byleth struggled to interact with his peers, or misunderstood things most people intuitively understood. Jeralt loved him, Byleth knew that, but his father worried about him too. It didn't help that Jeralt doubted his parenting abilities too, nevermind that in Byleth's eyes, he was the best father he could ask for.
How many would've accepted their child lacking a heartbeat, along with the various other oddities surrounding them? Most would've thought him to be a Changeling or offensively strange. He knew when some called him 'demon', they didn't mean it figuratively, after all.]
But I know that if I was normal, he wouldn't have to worry about me so much. He's always encouraging me to socialise with my peers, to try and make friends and have 'experiences', but I struggle with it. I don't like disappointing him, but people is an area that I don't excel in.
[ That was... a bit defensive, sure, but it does put Shez more at ease regarding Jeralt's relationship with his son, if only because he can tell it's not an outright lie-- Byleth is pretty terrible at that, from what Shez can tell. ]
Worrying is kind of what parents do, isn't it? If my mom was still around, I bet she'd be pretty disappointed I'm this old and still struggling with basic directions.
[ It's the way he's been since he was a kid, getting lost even in the tiniest of villages in the mountains like the one where he grew up in. It wasn't even a matter of getting distracted easily or being unable to tell left from right; he can, but every time he tried to explain it like "I saw the path shift before my eyes" his mom would give him a look that even now he doesn't think he'd be able to read. He never felt it was judgement though, and her warnings that he should never tell anyone else were always chalked up to parental concern.
(Come to think about it, Arval acts more or less the same way, at least regarding their own presence in his head. Hosting a voice that only he can hear, growing a sword out of his hands at will, warping off to match the changing space only he could see... Shez, too, was far from normal. He was just... better at accepting himself.) ]
But you know, no one can excel at everything. I may handle people better than you, but you've got a way more analytical eye than mine. I'll probably never be a master tactician, as you won't exactly be a social butterfly, but we can still learn from each other and improve a little bit every time, right?
[Byleth sighed explosively, unsure on how to properly convey his surprisingly complicated emotions on the issue. The problem wasn't that he struggled to be a 'social butterfly', it was that his father wanted him to make friends and solid bonds with his peers, and Byleth routinely let him down. Well, mostly. He did manage to make friends with Shez, in his world and here! But he was beginning to feel that Shez was an outlier... (the Spiders Georg of Fódlan, you could say). And even then, he'd have to blind not to notice that on occasion he frustrated Shez with his obliviousness to what should be common social cues.]
...what if... I never improve?
[That still didn't quite... cover his true feelings, but Byleth gave up with that. He idly turned the palette on his lap, uncaring that his paintbrush was rolling through the various paints on there and getting the handle all wet and... painty.]
If I don't get better at socialising, or with people, won't you find that exasperating? I know that at times I must be... [What was that term someone used before?] ...high maintenance. I guess I don't want to worry you either.
[ If Shez hadn't already been dedicating his full attention to his friend's exposition, then that sigh alone would have him dropping whatever other tasks he juggled; it was a telling sign of frustration for anyone, but coming from Byleth, it was reason for added concern.
And as he goes on, struggling to put his feelings into words, that concern feels justified. He tilts his head, eyes squinting, and what comes out of his lips is: ]
Are you... scared I'll get tired of you?
[ The thought barely feels worth considering, but it does circle back to the general sentiment Byleth had confessed to him earlier, doesn't it? That he's afraid to get hurt. ]
Look-- [ Both palette and paintbrush are set down on the stool next to his canvas, their quest suddenly unimportant. ] --I can't say what the future holds, but I do know it'd take a lot more for me to want to cut ties with you. Yeah, you're weird and sometimes frustrating, but you're far from being nearly as high-maintenance as some nobles as I've met-- and even if you were, I'm about as low maintenance as they come. We kind of balance each other out, huh?
[ Still, Byleth gets treated to the lightest little kick to the front of his boot, a bit of friendly chastising for being silly. Yeah, that'll teach him!! ]
[Byleth peeked up at him at the little nudge against his boot, revealing a brief flash of vulnerability before his usual controlled expression smoothed it out. As always, despite Byleth's verbal fumbling, Shez saw through him and into the heart of the matter.]
...I'd be concerned if I was as high maintenance as a noble.
[An attempt at a joke! Sort of ruined by how flatly it came out, but an attempt nevertheless! He looked away abruptly, then back again, content that he had his expression fully under control by now. His chest... it felt a little odd. Like he had extreme heartburn but without the pain - tight and a little heavy. Maybe it was something he'd eaten recently...]
Sorry. [The apology came out abruptly.] You've said it repeatedly, that you don't care about my oddities and you like me as I am but, still... I guess a part of me...
[He bit the inside of his cheek, thinking on his words, before hesitantly continuing:] ...a part of me is afraid. Emotional pain is more difficult to endure than the physical, and no amount of martial skill or experience will protect you from it. I dislike being vulnerable, and unable to protect myself, so I fret a bit too much about it. You're the only one to be so deep within my guard, after all.
[Why did he feel so nervous? Why did he feel a few breaths away from breaking out into a sweat? Being honest wasn't hard for him, but being honest in this? He felt like he was trying to dismantle a very sensitive magical trap where the slightest misstep would have it blow up in his face! Even his usually steely nerves were quivering!]
But I also trust you, and... I should show that. So, I'll try to stop fretting and second-guessing, and trust you to look after me, Shez.
[ His eyebrows arch upwards like the curve of his lips, pleasantly surprised to see Byleth even attempt a joke. Sure, there's still work to do, but already that's so much improvement-- to say nothing of this very conversation, of course, how he's opening up about his feelings and braving them on head first, no matter his struggles. If it's being vulnerable he dislikes, then he's rising up to the challenge here and now.
He wishes Byleth could see himself like Shez does. ]
I don't think anyone wants to be emotionally hurt. [ That's where he chooses to start, a reminder that Byleth isn't so different as he may think. ] But y'know, you kind of have the wrong impression there. Experience is exactly what makes you stronger, both on and off the battlefield. Losing someone you care about, to death or simply because they let you down, that's never going to get easier, but you just... learn how to keep pressing on a little better each time. And it helps to have someone to rely on.
[ That's why it's so important to form bonds with multiple people, but he trusts Byleth to be smart enough to infer as much from what he says. Besides, if Shez were to share any more of his personal experiences, that would inevitably devolve into how Arval was there for him when that other Ashen Demon slayed his entire company, and those are both topics he knows he should steer clear from.
(There's also the fact that Ashen Demon avenged Jeralt's death by claiming one of their generals, and Shez took his life soon after that, but... How is he supposed to tell this Byleth any of that when he has no one else he can trust?) ]
Still, I know you're new at this, and it can be pretty scary to take that first step, but... you've already taken so many, even if you don't realize it. Opening up about all this can't have been easy for you, but you're doing it anyway, right? That's a pretty big step you should be proud of.
Ah, well... you just make it so easy to talk about...
[Byleth practically mumbled his words, peering down at his lap as if it was thoroughly fascinating. It was true, though. Shez was easy to talk to - startlingly so. Whether it was the Shez from his world, or the Shez here, something about them lowered his guard and invited him to speak of things he never would've uttered to another person - not even Jeralt (especially Jeralt regarding the, uh, romance and sex side of things). He should find it alarming, or suspicious but... well. It was Shez. He genuinely did trust him (his other half, not so much).]
If it were anyone else, I wouldn't've said anything.
[Finally he lifted his head, and let out a huff.]
But, I can't keep leaning so heavily on you. I should try to branch out more, instead of staying in the woods away from most people...
[ Easy to talk to, huh? Sure, Shez could get along with mostly anyone no matter how different their personalities or upbringing may be, and though he was alone for a long part of his life, it's been some time since he was last wanting for a friend or at least a good conversation partner. Even so, he still can't seem to figure out what it is about him -- even if it is mostly the other Shez -- that made him the sole exception in Byleth's extremely limited social circle. They are both mercenaries, of course, but that alone feels too little to explain this odd connection that they have.
Whatever the case, Shez doesn't need to wreck his brain over it; all he needs to know is that the connection does exist, and that he's happy for it. Happy that he can make such a difference in someone's life. ]
It's not like you can't lean on me at all, you know. I'll still be here for you for as long as you like.
[ At least in a figurative sense, because who knows how much longer they'll be here in Ellipsa, to begin with. Not that it changes anything. ]
But, if you do come out of your shell more often, that means I'll get to see you more often, too. You've been over to my place for lessons, and we've been out and about for quests, but there's a lot of fun stuff to do around these parts! Maybe next time we should give that a try, now that our lives aren't on the line!
[ He means it because they're not currently fighting a war and all, but suddenly he's reminded of how their last quest in the Winter segment turned out and-- ]
[Byleth's tone was flat, but there was something almost... playful about it? He held the blank expression for about three seconds before the corners of his mouth tilted up, briefly, into a smile.]
But that's fine. For mercenaries like us, I think we'd get bored quickly if life didn't spring a few surprises on us every now and then.
[Of course, those 'surprises' ended up being battles to the death against various entities (Arval, Shez's doppelganger, those creepy dark mages), but what didn't kill them made them stronger and all that.]
[ Again, his eyebrows rise, but he's quick to laugh the surprise off this time around. Whether it was a proper joke or not, it definitely meant Byleth's mood has improved and lightened up. ]
Yeah, can't argue with that. And hey, as long as I have to fight off a surprise or several, I'm glad I get to do it with you this time around.
[ The unquestionable truth is that it makes things easier, but no matter the kind of trouble they get into, it's just... plain more fun, too, that they get to face it together. And speaking of: ]
I did mean it, though-- [ Another nudge of his boot on Byleth's, just as playful. ] --we should try out some regular, boring fun every now and then! You do value new experiences, right?
[Slowly, almost tentatively, Byleth nudged Shez's boot back.]
...I do. I especially want to experience them with you. I heard that friends can make the most tedious of experiences enjoyable in some way, even if it's just a story to share between ourselves afterwards.
[He picked up his paintbrush, making a small tutting noise when it caused paint to smear over his gloved fingers. He pursed his lips slightly before shrugging it off, and put brush to canvas. He didn't paint anything in particular, just swirling lines that felt right and gleamed brightly.]
And I want to share more experiences with you. Even if you consider it 'regular, boring fun', it's still new to me.
[Even sitting here painting with someone was a novel experience for Byleth. Shez - here and in his own world - were constantly exposing him to new 'everyday' things that he never had the chance to enjoy... probably never would've enjoyed, if they hadn't succeeded in burying the hatchet together. Byleth was intensely grateful to him, could never repay him for everything he had done for him, and had a feeling Shez would brush off as 'no big deal' if Byleth ever tried to articulate it (clumsily, knowing him).]
[ Again, Byleth has a way with emphasizing that he wants to try out all these new experiences with Shez, because it's Shez, and he's left wondering how close a relationship those two had back home. Still, it makes him feel some kind of way; some kind of way that makes him smile. ]
All right. It's settled, then.
[ (Some kind of... special way, he supposes.) ]
But y'know, some of it is pretty new to me, too. [ Aside from their arrangement, that is. That is exceptionally new, and not what he would call boring fun, by any means. ] Sitting here and chatting as we paint? That's as far a cry from merc work as it gets!
[ But it is fun, and when leans in closer to peek at Byleth's picture, his eyes squint with curious amusement. ]
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[Though the response seemed lacklustre, it was obvious that it was more from an inability to fully express himself and just plain not knowing what to say in response to that, rather than disinterest in what Shez was saying. Byleth was staring at him again, his expression difficult to read but his gaze quietly intense.]
You know, Shez, you're the only one who's ever thought that about me. That it's... fine for me to stay true to myself. Even Jeralt thinks I'm strange and wants me to be better at being a person. But you're... very accepting and understanding of me...
[Words were inadequate. Nothing he'd say would be able to fully convey the depth and breadth of his feelings for Shez - not that he could even hope to articulate them in the first place. Not even Byleth fully understood this strange emotion sitting on his chest, feeling both heavy yet extremely light all at once. Shez was... he was so kind and had such a good heart. Boundless patience too, as he dealt with Byleth's various idiosyncrasies with only a sigh or a comment or two (and even those didn't contain much malice).
Forget Seiros - Shez was the true saint of Fódlan.]
Thank you. Um, I know those words probably don't mean much but, still.
[Maybe he should try and get him a fruit basket or something... no, a table at a 5-star all you can eat buffet. Yes, that'd be the perfect thank you gift for Shez!]
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Well! Now he's gone and given himself far too many unpleasant scenarios to think about, but the truth is, he doesn't know for sure what kind of relationship Byleth had with his father-- and as forthright as he is, asking if he's been physically abused would be downright tactless! ]
You don't need to thank me for that, to begin with. [ That's the easiest place to start, even if he's stating what should be obvious. ] But if it means so much to you, then it does to me, too.
[ And now for the more... invasive part. Normally Shez wouldn't hesitate to throw questions at anyone's way, but-- ]
If you don't mind my asking though... Did Jeralt ever actually tell you that? That you're not good at being a person?
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[The answer came quick - defensive, almost. Truth was, Jeralt took great pains to never imply Byleth was wanting in any way, but he could never fully hide his apprehension or concern whenever Byleth struggled to interact with his peers, or misunderstood things most people intuitively understood. Jeralt loved him, Byleth knew that, but his father worried about him too. It didn't help that Jeralt doubted his parenting abilities too, nevermind that in Byleth's eyes, he was the best father he could ask for.
How many would've accepted their child lacking a heartbeat, along with the various other oddities surrounding them? Most would've thought him to be a Changeling or offensively strange. He knew when some called him 'demon', they didn't mean it figuratively, after all.]
But I know that if I was normal, he wouldn't have to worry about me so much. He's always encouraging me to socialise with my peers, to try and make friends and have 'experiences', but I struggle with it. I don't like disappointing him, but people is an area that I don't excel in.
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Worrying is kind of what parents do, isn't it? If my mom was still around, I bet she'd be pretty disappointed I'm this old and still struggling with basic directions.
[ It's the way he's been since he was a kid, getting lost even in the tiniest of villages in the mountains like the one where he grew up in. It wasn't even a matter of getting distracted easily or being unable to tell left from right; he can, but every time he tried to explain it like "I saw the path shift before my eyes" his mom would give him a look that even now he doesn't think he'd be able to read. He never felt it was judgement though, and her warnings that he should never tell anyone else were always chalked up to parental concern.
(Come to think about it, Arval acts more or less the same way, at least regarding their own presence in his head. Hosting a voice that only he can hear, growing a sword out of his hands at will, warping off to match the changing space only he could see... Shez, too, was far from normal. He was just... better at accepting himself.) ]
But you know, no one can excel at everything. I may handle people better than you, but you've got a way more analytical eye than mine. I'll probably never be a master tactician, as you won't exactly be a social butterfly, but we can still learn from each other and improve a little bit every time, right?
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[Byleth sighed explosively, unsure on how to properly convey his surprisingly complicated emotions on the issue. The problem wasn't that he struggled to be a 'social butterfly', it was that his father wanted him to make friends and solid bonds with his peers, and Byleth routinely let him down. Well, mostly. He did manage to make friends with Shez, in his world and here! But he was beginning to feel that Shez was an outlier... (the Spiders Georg of Fódlan, you could say). And even then, he'd have to blind not to notice that on occasion he frustrated Shez with his obliviousness to what should be common social cues.]
...what if... I never improve?
[That still didn't quite... cover his true feelings, but Byleth gave up with that. He idly turned the palette on his lap, uncaring that his paintbrush was rolling through the various paints on there and getting the handle all wet and... painty.]
If I don't get better at socialising, or with people, won't you find that exasperating? I know that at times I must be... [What was that term someone used before?] ...high maintenance. I guess I don't want to worry you either.
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And as he goes on, struggling to put his feelings into words, that concern feels justified. He tilts his head, eyes squinting, and what comes out of his lips is: ]
Are you... scared I'll get tired of you?
[ The thought barely feels worth considering, but it does circle back to the general sentiment Byleth had confessed to him earlier, doesn't it? That he's afraid to get hurt. ]
Look-- [ Both palette and paintbrush are set down on the stool next to his canvas, their quest suddenly unimportant. ] --I can't say what the future holds, but I do know it'd take a lot more for me to want to cut ties with you. Yeah, you're weird and sometimes frustrating, but you're far from being nearly as high-maintenance as some nobles as I've met-- and even if you were, I'm about as low maintenance as they come. We kind of balance each other out, huh?
[ Still, Byleth gets treated to the lightest little kick to the front of his boot, a bit of friendly chastising for being silly. Yeah, that'll teach him!! ]
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...I'd be concerned if I was as high maintenance as a noble.
[An attempt at a joke! Sort of ruined by how flatly it came out, but an attempt nevertheless! He looked away abruptly, then back again, content that he had his expression fully under control by now. His chest... it felt a little odd. Like he had extreme heartburn but without the pain - tight and a little heavy. Maybe it was something he'd eaten recently...]
Sorry. [The apology came out abruptly.] You've said it repeatedly, that you don't care about my oddities and you like me as I am but, still... I guess a part of me...
[He bit the inside of his cheek, thinking on his words, before hesitantly continuing:] ...a part of me is afraid. Emotional pain is more difficult to endure than the physical, and no amount of martial skill or experience will protect you from it. I dislike being vulnerable, and unable to protect myself, so I fret a bit too much about it. You're the only one to be so deep within my guard, after all.
[Why did he feel so nervous? Why did he feel a few breaths away from breaking out into a sweat? Being honest wasn't hard for him, but being honest in this? He felt like he was trying to dismantle a very sensitive magical trap where the slightest misstep would have it blow up in his face! Even his usually steely nerves were quivering!]
But I also trust you, and... I should show that. So, I'll try to stop fretting and second-guessing, and trust you to look after me, Shez.
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He wishes Byleth could see himself like Shez does. ]
I don't think anyone wants to be emotionally hurt. [ That's where he chooses to start, a reminder that Byleth isn't so different as he may think. ] But y'know, you kind of have the wrong impression there. Experience is exactly what makes you stronger, both on and off the battlefield. Losing someone you care about, to death or simply because they let you down, that's never going to get easier, but you just... learn how to keep pressing on a little better each time. And it helps to have someone to rely on.
[ That's why it's so important to form bonds with multiple people, but he trusts Byleth to be smart enough to infer as much from what he says. Besides, if Shez were to share any more of his personal experiences, that would inevitably devolve into how Arval was there for him when that other Ashen Demon slayed his entire company, and those are both topics he knows he should steer clear from.
(There's also the fact that Ashen Demon avenged Jeralt's death by claiming one of their generals, and Shez took his life soon after that, but... How is he supposed to tell this Byleth any of that when he has no one else he can trust?) ]
Still, I know you're new at this, and it can be pretty scary to take that first step, but... you've already taken so many, even if you don't realize it. Opening up about all this can't have been easy for you, but you're doing it anyway, right? That's a pretty big step you should be proud of.
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[Byleth practically mumbled his words, peering down at his lap as if it was thoroughly fascinating. It was true, though. Shez was easy to talk to - startlingly so. Whether it was the Shez from his world, or the Shez here, something about them lowered his guard and invited him to speak of things he never would've uttered to another person - not even Jeralt (especially Jeralt regarding the, uh, romance and sex side of things). He should find it alarming, or suspicious but... well. It was Shez. He genuinely did trust him (his other half, not so much).]
If it were anyone else, I wouldn't've said anything.
[Finally he lifted his head, and let out a huff.]
But, I can't keep leaning so heavily on you. I should try to branch out more, instead of staying in the woods away from most people...
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Whatever the case, Shez doesn't need to wreck his brain over it; all he needs to know is that the connection does exist, and that he's happy for it. Happy that he can make such a difference in someone's life. ]
It's not like you can't lean on me at all, you know. I'll still be here for you for as long as you like.
[ At least in a figurative sense, because who knows how much longer they'll be here in Ellipsa, to begin with. Not that it changes anything. ]
But, if you do come out of your shell more often, that means I'll get to see you more often, too. You've been over to my place for lessons, and we've been out and about for quests, but there's a lot of fun stuff to do around these parts! Maybe next time we should give that a try, now that our lives aren't on the line!
[ He means it because they're not currently fighting a war and all, but suddenly he's reminded of how their last quest in the Winter segment turned out and-- ]
... ah crud, I didn't just jinx it again, did I?
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[Byleth's tone was flat, but there was something almost... playful about it? He held the blank expression for about three seconds before the corners of his mouth tilted up, briefly, into a smile.]
But that's fine. For mercenaries like us, I think we'd get bored quickly if life didn't spring a few surprises on us every now and then.
[Of course, those 'surprises' ended up being battles to the death against various entities (Arval, Shez's doppelganger, those creepy dark mages), but what didn't kill them made them stronger and all that.]
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Yeah, can't argue with that. And hey, as long as I have to fight off a surprise or several, I'm glad I get to do it with you this time around.
[ The unquestionable truth is that it makes things easier, but no matter the kind of trouble they get into, it's just... plain more fun, too, that they get to face it together. And speaking of: ]
I did mean it, though-- [ Another nudge of his boot on Byleth's, just as playful. ] --we should try out some regular, boring fun every now and then! You do value new experiences, right?
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...I do. I especially want to experience them with you. I heard that friends can make the most tedious of experiences enjoyable in some way, even if it's just a story to share between ourselves afterwards.
[He picked up his paintbrush, making a small tutting noise when it caused paint to smear over his gloved fingers. He pursed his lips slightly before shrugging it off, and put brush to canvas. He didn't paint anything in particular, just swirling lines that felt right and gleamed brightly.]
And I want to share more experiences with you. Even if you consider it 'regular, boring fun', it's still new to me.
[Even sitting here painting with someone was a novel experience for Byleth. Shez - here and in his own world - were constantly exposing him to new 'everyday' things that he never had the chance to enjoy... probably never would've enjoyed, if they hadn't succeeded in burying the hatchet together. Byleth was intensely grateful to him, could never repay him for everything he had done for him, and had a feeling Shez would brush off as 'no big deal' if Byleth ever tried to articulate it (clumsily, knowing him).]
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All right. It's settled, then.
[ (Some kind of... special way, he supposes.) ]
But y'know, some of it is pretty new to me, too. [ Aside from their arrangement, that is. That is exceptionally new, and not what he would call boring fun, by any means. ] Sitting here and chatting as we paint? That's as far a cry from merc work as it gets!
[ But it is fun, and when leans in closer to peek at Byleth's picture, his eyes squint with curious amusement. ]
What... are you painting, anyway?
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...I have no idea.