Fate/Hate Boner, Part... I Lost Track

[mayoninofukucho]

WHO: Hijikata and OPEN
WHAT: Hijikata tries to deal with his spectacular fuck-up!
WHEN: August 1st (a couple of days after Medusa first turned into Gorgon)
WHERE: Sunwaning and/or Solarpeak
WARNINGS: Unwarranted Manpain (OK no, he'll try to take responsibility!!)

[OOC: This is yet another little chapter of the ongoing drama between Hijikata, Medusa, and Ozymandias (and their friends and affiliates, and innocent bystanders too)!

Associated posts (for anyone who would like to follow along at home):

OOC Plotting
Hijikata starting the whole shitshow by siccing Medusa on Ozymandias
Ozymandias live-shaming a consequently petrified Hijikata
Quest: Going Gorgon

This installment is mostly for people who want their characters to give him a talking-to in person, but rest assured that he's got the pet-shaming sign on him, and further additions are being retroactively added!]


[When Hijikata regained consciousness he was at home, not at the Secret Getaway, and in front of him was his mentee Shoto, caught between concern and relief... not his suddenly tall-as-a-house, winged and snake-bodied Servant Medusa.

Naturally the most important items ("Why am I here", "What date is it", "How did you get me unpetrified") were addressed first, and all the answers - that Shoto took him home from Solarpeak after Ozymandias brought him there, that a couple of days elapsed between now and when he last saw Medusa, that Shoto sacrificed White Amaryllis, the sword forged out of his admiration for his mentor - drove it home more and more deeply that he made a colossal, terrible mistake.

Hijikata wanted to stay with Shoto, somehow make up for his sacrifice, reassure him, answer his many questions... but he simply couldn't leave Medusa alone out there in that state. So he made up a convincing lie (another thing to feel bad about later, because damn it, why does this boy put so much trust in him), promising to be back very soon, and set out - not to where he said he'd go, but towards the Summer Guild's headquarters.

Shoto-kun said she's in the Jungle of Judgement. I just need to teleport to the Temple of Life, and then--!

And then what?, a voice in his head asks. Medusa - no, Gorgon - is draining his mana. All of it. He felt her suck it all up like a giant maelstrom when she first transformed out there, and he can still feel it now, despite the distance between them. The remaining two Command Seals on the back of his hand - the third smudged and blackened, as if it was burned up - are testament to their bond still existing. Shit. Rider...

He stops, trying to form some kind of plan, but it comes back down to just: I'm her Master, I need to help her. But how can he do that now when he can't even summon enough of a fireball to light a cigarette anymore? Maybe he can undo this with another Command Spell..? He stares at the red triple tomoe (now just a double tomoe, really). Won't this only make it worse..? But this is my duty, isn't it?

(If anybody notices his weird behaviour... please stop this man. He's done enough!)]

Comments

[sangreine]

I know. [ She does know. He's not a bad person even if he made a careless, selfish, frankly gross choice that now Rider is paying for. ]

I think you owe it to her to consider whether it's the best thing to override her free will again. What you did... I don't know all the details, but it sounds like you commanded her to do something she didn't want to do which, as someone who had my own servants, is a pretty big violation of the bond between you two.

So right now you need to focus on what she needs and not what is best for your guilt. Maybe it's using those things again, I don't know. But right now, neither do you.

[ She rests a hand on his shoulder. ] Let's sit down. Tell me what happened. Think it through. And then if the right thing to do is for you to go out there, I'll go with you. [ She doesn't think that would be the right thing, but if it somehow is then she'll make sure he stays safe. Not for his sake, but for Rider's. ]

[mayoninofukucho]

[He nods, confirming that Saya's understanding of what happened it true. Yes, he misunderstood how Medusa felt about Ozymandias - he frankly just projected his own feelings onto her -, but the bottom line is that he forced her to so something she didn't want to do.

He sits down with her, staring down at his clenched hands. It's rare, very rare, that he, the Shinsengumi's Demon Vice-Commander, gets shaken up like this. Usually he acts with the confidence of having justice on his side in everything he does - and he also did when he sicced Medusa on Ozymandias, but this time he was wrong, and that's the problem.]

...

Do you know Ozymandias?

[If she does, that'll help. His description wouldn't really do the Sun Pharaoh justice (though he doesn't mean that as a compliment).]

[sangreine]

[ Everyone has things that shake them up. Even as unimpressed with Hijikata as Saya is and has been since she heard about this mess, she knows he wouldn't just do something to hurt Rider on purpose. ]

[ And he's sitting to talk instead of charging out there to do something stupid, and that too speaks well of him. ]

I do. [ And she likes Ozymandias, actually. Backtags are happening but it's quite possible she joined the ranks of his "concubines", although if he called Saya that she'd laugh... not that it's especially relevant to this conversation. But she's not going to let her personal feelings spill all over this conversation. ]

[mayoninofukucho]

Okay, good. He is... he is so arrogant. He's the smuggest person I've ever met in my life. He thinks the sun rises only for him, I'm sure, and the moon too.

[He could go on forever!! But to the point--]

He was with my Rider at the Secret Getaway. I surprised them when I arrived there too. I was... I was sure that he was making her feel lesser, maybe telling her how lucky she was that he, the Sun Pharaoh, took a liking to her...

[He trails off, feeling vaguely embarrassed. He just sounds jealous, doesn't he? He just sounds like some guy who had a richer, more popular and handsome man make a move on his woman! But that's not it!]

I couldn't stand that he was looking down on her, you know? It made me see red. She's-- she's so strong. I saw her memories - well, one memory. She defeated a corrupted Servant who was incredibly strong. My Rider was faster, though, and braver, and she put her heart into it, and she won. No one has the right to look down on a woman like her!

[sangreine]

[ Part of her thinks you jealous idiot before she can help herself, yes indeed. Even if he wasn't jealous about Rider accepting Ozymandias' affections specifically, there's only one reason you take such a disliking to a guy who's main fault is that he's a bit full of himself. Ozymandias has always been perfectly respectful to her, if he hadn't she'd have told him to get lost. ]

[ She doesn't miss the "I was sure that he was making her feel" part of that, either, or presumption that Rider was being looked down upon. You know what they say about people who assume, Hijikata... ]

[ But maybe there's more to this (she's hoping there's more to this) so she says nothing. ]

Okay, go on.

[mayoninofukucho]

[If Hijikata (in a clearer, calmer mindset) were asked to describe exactly what it is that he feels about Ozymandias, he'd adamantly deny that it's jealousy. He doesn't want to be like him, nor does he want to have what he has! It's animosity, he'd say, dislike, that strong, unambiguous he-rubs-me-the-wrong way feeling. It's been the same each time they met (and inevitably clashed), from the very first meeting on.

What we would concede (and maybe will concede here and now) is that he was wrong about how Medusa felt, both at that time and on the whole.]

Well, we exchanged words - he and I don't get along -, and when he called her his concubine in such an uppity way I really had enough of his disrespect for her. She was...

[He pauses, shamefully aware of just how badly he misinterpreted Medusa's "timid" silence.]

I thought she was intimidated, trying to not make waves... so I wanted to give her strength, and courage, and my backing to rise up and turn on him and show him that she isn't someone he can disrespect like that.

...

She didn't protest. I know that doesn't make it better that I made all these assumptions about what she was feeling, but that's why I only realised it a moment before she...

[Before she turned into a monster.]

[sangreine]

[ Saya exhales slowly, biting back the retort she wants to snap off about how he really should have asked, even if he had been reading her correctly he should have. He seems to know it. ]

Honestly, I'm relieved. At least you're a little bit the man I thought you were.

[ None of this is great, don't get her wrong. He was still dismissive of Rider's agency in at least two ways. He gets half a point for giving a damn, though. (Out of a possible ten, so like still a failing grade.) ]

Anyone can make a dumb decision, but you can say you made it out of care and not the opposite. That's not nothing. And I have faith that you can make this right. Just... probably not by going out there and throwing around more command spells.

[mayoninofukucho]

[Saya's words sting a bit to hear, but Hijikata really isn't in a position to complain about unfavourable feedback on his actions. He did mess this up in a terrible way, and the entire fallout (his brief, practically inconsequential petrification aside) is landing on the shoulders of his Servant. It's honestly amazing how much forgiveness Saya can muster for him.]

Then what do we do?

[He mentally goes through his magical items, given that using his remaining Command Spells is out of the question.]

I have a perfume that turns the one who uses it invisible... but my Rider is used to being blind, so it probably wouldn't help a lot. Besides I haven't tested it.

[It's from Riki's shop, not the one that sells all the janky stuff, but even so!]

...

I don't want to hurt her at all, honestly. I know she's dangerous to people and wildlife, but... it's not her fault.

[His hands restlessly knead each other, fingers mindlessly tracing the Command Seals' outlines. They both know whose fault it is.]

[sangreine]

[ Saya's done much, much, much worse things and been forgiven for them. It's not so difficult to find it within her to be compassionate. Hijikata nor his Rider will be helped by her being cold and cruel when all he wants is to make things right. ]

I think... there are a lot of people who can answer that question better than I can. Others more familiar with what being a Servant entails, and how best to fix this. It would be irresponsible of either of us to wildly speculate when there are better sources of information and ideas.

If they think you need to use more command spells, or go out there and talk her down, or use any magical items, or anything else, then you should do what they suggest with as little risk to yourself as possible. I'll help however I can. I have about six more days before my next experiment is scheduled, anyway. And I can delay it if I have to.

I know that "just wait" is probably hard to hear. But it's the surest way to not make matters worse. [ And possibly the most fitting punishment. ]

That doesn't mean do nothing, though. You need to figure out what caused you to make those mistakes and then start thinking about how you might make it up to her if she doesn't have her own suggestions. You'll have to work through whatever feelings you have about the fact that she might not be able to trust you again, at least not for a while, so that you don't make it her problem.

After she's back to herself, she'll feel a lot of things. [ Saya's eyes go a bit distant. She knows a lot about this. ] Many of them will be ugly. It will be hard to watch her go through them. You'll have to let her, without trying to fix her or try to convince her that she shouldn't feel them because of what you did. You'll have to be patient. Care about her even if she tries to tell you not to, even if she wants you to do it from a distance.

I'll help with that, too. No one knows better what it's like to lose control of yourself and hurt others in a haze. If she wants to talk to me, I'll sit with her and listen. Being with those who get it helps.

Do all that, and I think she'll be able to trust you again. I would.

[ She rests her hand over his to attempt to stop his fidgeting. And gives him a soft smile. ]

And once that happens, you must be worthy of that trust. That's the hard part.

[mayoninofukucho]

[He listens, finding some comfort in the sensibility and reason of her words. It's true that the other Servants would know better than them... and much as part of him still wants to recklessly fling himself into the line of fire, he understands that his senseless death might really aggrieve Medusa later (or she might feel vindictive enough to consider it well-deserved, but they don't know, and he's listening to Saya and her experience with going berserk).

What really, truly gives him a metaphorical gut punch, however, is the small half-sentence about Saya's next hibernation-stopping experiment being less than a week away. She has that hanging over her head, and here she is, dealing with my bullshit! Granted, in the best case it may be easier for Saya to focus on someone else's problems right now than on her own, but even so, she had more than enough on her plate without him creating more issues in this world!]

...

[He'll follow Saya's advice and reflect on what led to him misjudging Medusa's feelings so egregiously, how he can make it all up to her, how he can support her as she grapples with what happened, how he can regain her trust, and how he can accept it if he fails to do so. He tries to send a warm impulse through her hands as a small sign of gratitude, but he doesn't even have enough mana left for that. He's all out, reduced to a truly normal human, and he feels exhausted.]

Saya, thanks. Your experience... I'm sure it'll help my Rider.

[It absolutely sucks that Saya knows what it's like to lose control of herself and become a menace to public safety, but part of him can't help but feel grateful that Medusa won't have to feel alone in that experience.]