seasonsrpg | semi-open 💐 I had to fall to lose it all

[ kaveh nods and, once again, tries moving closer to alhaitham. ] ...you're not going anywhere. [ he repeats again and again and again and again, as if saying it is a comfort to him. eventually he trails off, moving the hand on his chest to alhaitham's, fingers tangling in the fabric of his shirt as he clings to him. ] I don't want to stay here. [ kaveh looks over his shoulder at the mourning flower. his mourning flower. ]

I want to go home.

[ He reaches up when he notices that, gently guiding Kaveh's face back to himself. Don't look at that, focus on him. ]

I can carry you back, or you can walk. Either is fine.

[ as soon as kaveh’s eyes have met alhaitham’s again he reaches for the hand that had taken his face, holding and squeezing it. ]

Let me try walking. [ this won’t go well. ] I can… I can do this…

... Take your time.

[ He can hear the lack of conviction in the architect's words, but Kaveh's choice is what's important. He'll shift that hand under the other's to hold, helping him in standing up. ]

[ as kaveh gets to his feet his legs tremble beneath him, so much so that his knees buckle and threaten to send him straight back to the ground. he grips alhaitham's hand like a vice, reaching out with the other to brace himself on his chest, his gaze hitting the ground as he tries to keep it together. ]

[ he...
he can't do this... ]

[ he's not ready. ]

[ kaveh might be alive again, but he still feels so weak and so helpless. ] I, I hate this, Alhaitham.

[ Alhaitham's there. He's there to catch his boyfriend before he crumples, supporting his weight with one arm easily, the other still holding his hand. In one move, Kaveh's in his arms and into the coveted princess carry. A shame that he's of no mind to appreciate it right now. ]

Your body and mind have been through a lot. You need rest, where you feel most comfortable.

[ a damn shame that he's of no mind to appreciate it right now... kaveh twists, burying his face in alhaitham's chest as he makes a tiny sound in response. that's wherever alhaitham is, so he doesn't care where they go... or so he tells himself, but he definitely doesn't want to stay in this stupid flower yard. ] Home. [ specifically sumeru, but... he knows that's not exactly possible. their apartment here will just have to do. ] I'm sorry, Alhaitham, I'm sorry.

I don't need an apology. Just you.

[ The belongings are abandoned for now, something he can return for at another point in time. Or hire someone to collect it for him, as he has the feeling that he won't be leaving their place for some time given Kaveh's needs at the moment. For now, he'll keep Kaveh held close and begin the journey back to their apartment. ]

The cats may need an apology though.

...alright. [ simple enough. at least until he remembers one of their cats is part octopus. he digs his nails into alhaitham's back, growing rigid. ] He's going to try to cling to me, isn't he, ... [ the octocat, that is, and the thought has him buzzing out of his skin. ] I'm sure he missed me, but I... Alhaitham, [ he feels terrible for having to ask this, but ] keep him away from me, please. I need time to... forget that thing.

I will.

[ So a creature of some kind, involving tentacle appendages. He'll note that for himself as he walks, the hand on Kaveh's back rubbing absent circles there. ]

I can ask Tighnari to watch him for a while.

Good. I, he'll understand, right, that it's nothing personal... I just, he... I can't stop thinking about... [ he can feel his heart beginning to hammer in his chest as the thought of those tentacles grabbing and groping at him sends a sharp shiver down his spine. ] ... [ kaveh counts back from ten to reset his derailed train of thoughts, no longer wishing to think about that monster. ]

Alhaitham. [ he clings that much harder, trying to bring them that much closer. ] did you know [ a delirious little laugh. ] that you were the last thing on my mind.

I was?

[ There's an honest tone of surprise in his soft response, keeping his gaze forward. ]

I would have expected it to be your family.

[ kaveh has to bite his lip to keep from laughing. his family. he loves his mother, of course, but there's no comfort to be had there. ] ...really, Alhaitham, of course it was going to be you! [ he peers up at him through a messy set of blonde bangs. ] Or have you forgotten that you're the most important thing in my life now?

[ His gaze flickers at those words, turning his head down to meet Kaveh's honest eyes on him. And for a moment, all he can do is look into those eyes before pressing a soft kiss over Kaveh's eyebrow in quiet acceptance. ]

I'll remember that well.

[ tears have once again filled his eyes, his emotions getting the better of him, but as alhaitham kisses his brow and kaveh shuts them he sends those same tears tumbling down his cheeks. ] …all I could think about was you. [ and that might be part of the reason he saw alhaitham in all of those hallucinations. ] I… I didn’t tell you I loved you that morning… and I hoped that I would get another chance to do so…

[ kaveh grows quiet as he clings to alhaitham. ] I love you, Alhaitham. [ and while he’s not going to say it aloud, at least not yet, the ‘i’m sorry i hurt you’ is definitely implied. ]

[ If he could, he'd reach up to wipe away those tears in Kaveh's eyes, but his hands are a bit too busy to. So instead he hefts the other in his arms, encouraging him to use his jacket however he needs. ]

I'll make sure to remind you every day to tell me then.

... So I can say as much in return as well.

...mhm. [ kaveh nods and then just buries his face back in alhaitham's shoulder. he has nothing to add to that. he'll wait until they're home to bother trying for anything more. he might as well rest his throat besides, since his voice is strained and its feeling painfully raw. he should tell alhaitham about what happened besides, but he's trying to work up the courage to do so, since he'll have to relive exactly what happened. ]

I think I'll need to take a temporary leave from... work... [ he has to wonder if that's even something he can do. he's always worked for himself, so... maybe he'll just get fired for asking for time off. what is having a real job? ]

[ People can take time off for medical reasons Kaveh, please free yourself from freelancer mindset. ]

I'll call in for you. You focus on recovery.

Cyno and Tighnari will likely be by often as well during your rest time, so you won't be alone at any time either.

[ kaveh knows it's silly to start obsessing about being alone, but the dread he feels from merely thinking about it has him concerned. ] Alright. [ he considers waiting... trying to see if he can deal with sitting in the house by himself, because maybe he's just making a mountain out of a mole hill, but the longer he fixates on it the worse he feels. ]

I don't doubt that, but... they have plenty to do without having to worry about babysitting me. [ a self-depreciating laugh. ] If... if it's not too much trouble maybe I can go with you to work. [ he's feeling excessively clingy. ]

They want to spend time with you. You're their friend, and all you would do for them in the same position, they would want to do for you. Tighnari is already ready to settle in at this rate.

[ He'll be cutting off that silly thought of Kaveh's before it can even start to take root. ]

I'll be speaking with my supervisor about working from home for the next month, at least.

But I'm not going to be good company. [ he counters for all the good it's going to do. he knows alhaitham isn't going to let him bury himself in all of this negativity, but he's on such a steep downward spiral that it's difficult to think anything else. ] I can't keep my thoughts straight. What am I even supposed to talk about... [ normal things, probably, anything but what he experienced in the mansion. ]

[ part of him knows he shouldn't keep it bottled up, but another part of him doesn't want to share any of what he experienced. it was bad enough ayato had to see it. ]

...thank you. [ hopefully having alhaitham ground him in some normalcy will help him recover quicker. ]

You're not there for them, not right now. They're there for you.

[ Honestly Kaveh, why are you always like that... ]

[ Because it's Kaveh. ]

Just like I'll be there for you.

...alright. [ he tells himself that alhaitham's right. over and over and over, in a desperate attempt to hammer it in, but he's having trouble accepting it. he still feels like he's responsible for what happened and that he's going to be responsible for hosting his friends if they decide to come over. he needs to wear a mask, to pretend he's alright, to just... march forward as he's always done, because there is no other way... ]

Alhaitham... [ he drags his hands down his front, ] It, It was awful... [ he screws his eyes shut tightly. ] And it still hurts.

[ He would have noticed if there'd be something blatantly physically wrong with Kaveh, so he can safely assume it's the psychological scars on Kaveh that are lingering... and likely will linger for some time. Tighnari will inevitably be able to assist more than he would from an emotional outlet side, but that didn't mean Alhaitham wouldn't do what he could for his lover. ]

Focus on me, Kaveh. My hand on your back, and yours on me.

[ just as his thoughts start to wander alhaitham wrangles them back, telling kaveh to focus on him. he manages for a couple of moments, but he feels to scatterbrained to concentrate for more than that. ] ...on you, Alhaitham. I'm trying to focus on you. [ he continues to talk himself through what he's meant to do, because that helps give him the direction he needs. ] I'm not sure I want to think about our hands... that thing had so many... all of them reaching and grabbing... [ he shakes his head. ]

[ he manages to avoid having anymore outbursts on the way home, eventually squirming his way out of alhaitham's arms to make the last couple of steps through the threshold on his own. ] Thanks, Alhaitham. [ he looks like he wants to walk off in a thousand different direction, but he settles on toward alhaitham to peck his cheek before heading toward their bedroom. ] I'm going to go draw a bath. I think I want to just soak for a little while.

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