Levi had been in charge of his own money long enough that a decade in the military didn't get him out of the habit. He may not really think of things to buy, either, but money is survival. Money means food on the table and medicine and warm clothes. It's always important to have enough.
Levi frowns, unsure how to put it into words. Eren might not understand anyway, but he doesn't want to dance around it either, not when he and Hange had asked him to tell them things. That tends to go both ways, after all; example is more meaningful than words.
But the words don't come. He slowly shakes his head, and shifts his braced leg slightly forward.
"You think I'm not sick of strapping myself into that thing every day?" Not so different from their uniform. They wore that all the time, too. "Of course I do."
Does he, really?
He looks down, absently lifting a hand to run his fingers over the scar on his face. He's gotten used to it, now, but he still has mixed feelings about it, sometimes. It always reminds him of the battle, of his mistake, of everyone they lost... but the gash across his eye, for example, doesn't make him think of the fucking monkey. Instead, it reminds him of Hange, saving his life when he was laying under the sky for dead.
Every mark on his body is the same. He supposes that even without them, he'd still have the memories. But it's just... different. Maybe it feels more like solid proof that everyone really lived, a mark of respect for those lost.
Maybe he thinks he's been luckier than he deserved when it was the opposite for others.
"It just feels odd to think about, I guess. Like I'm erasing parts of my life."
Would someone who never gets any scars feel that way at all? Or maybe, on the contrary, it makes this sense of somehow cheating everyone's suffering stronger?
There's all these people who are dead and can't do anything about it, and he only gets a few marks and even those he can make go away with a wave of his hand.
a pinch of survivor's guilt, as a treat
Levi frowns, unsure how to put it into words. Eren might not understand anyway, but he doesn't want to dance around it either, not when he and Hange had asked him to tell them things. That tends to go both ways, after all; example is more meaningful than words.
But the words don't come. He slowly shakes his head, and shifts his braced leg slightly forward.
"You think I'm not sick of strapping myself into that thing every day?" Not so different from their uniform. They wore that all the time, too. "Of course I do."
Does he, really?
He looks down, absently lifting a hand to run his fingers over the scar on his face. He's gotten used to it, now, but he still has mixed feelings about it, sometimes. It always reminds him of the battle, of his mistake, of everyone they lost... but the gash across his eye, for example, doesn't make him think of the fucking monkey. Instead, it reminds him of Hange, saving his life when he was laying under the sky for dead.
Every mark on his body is the same. He supposes that even without them, he'd still have the memories. But it's just... different. Maybe it feels more like solid proof that everyone really lived, a mark of respect for those lost.
Maybe he thinks he's been luckier than he deserved when it was the opposite for others.
"It just feels odd to think about, I guess. Like I'm erasing parts of my life."
Would someone who never gets any scars feel that way at all? Or maybe, on the contrary, it makes this sense of somehow cheating everyone's suffering stronger?
There's all these people who are dead and can't do anything about it, and he only gets a few marks and even those he can make go away with a wave of his hand.
It's not fair.