What would happen... the one I made promises to, devoted myself to you could say, would be hurt and disappointed, and would feel betrayed that I broke my word. They might question how much or even whether I care for them -- which I do. There's no one I love more. [ She doesn't rank people in her life so this is somewhat of a misnomer but it's honest. ]

And yet, the pull I feel toward this other one, the one I shouldn't be close to, I can't deny it. They make me happy too, and I'm quite sure they feel the same. I know they're hurt that I keep a wall between us, and so am I. If that wall vanished... I don't know what would happen, but whatever it was it would be ours. And I really like that idea.

Right now I manage the guilt by keeping the walls up. Even though it hurts me, and it hurts the one I want to be closer to. But I have no idea how much longer I can do that. I can feel those walls splitting, like water breaking through a dam. My promises slowly crumbling. And I feel a lot of ways about that, but evidently not enough to completely pull myself back.

I suppose what I'll have to do is talk to the person I made that promise to. And see where we land.