[ Saya is quiet while MK talks. It hurts to hear him say those things, yet they're too familiar for her to not understand. ]
[ She takes a moment to think before she answers, but she does reach out to hold his hand, if he'll let her. This is why she needs to do this well, to say the right things -- she has to be able to help MK without diminishing the importance of what Red Son offered her, the promises they made to each other. MK wouldn't want her to do that, she doesn't want to do that, and it wouldn't be honest if she tried. ]
...I understand. I know exactly what it's like to feel like I'm not enough. To hate myself. All the many, many, many people I killed or who died because I wasn't strong enough, other terrible things I've done that I can't take back, everyone I've disappointed, all the things I've failed at, who I am as a person and how I can never be what anyone needs or deserves... it all floats around in there, growing louder and louder, and sometimes it's too much to contain and it breaks me down from the inside so there's more room for it to grow into.
And the guilt I feel about anyone caring about me. Like I tricked them into it. If I was only less selfish, less awful, I could let them go and they'd find someone better. They deserve so much better than me. Why would they ever want me anyway? They're just settling. They're just faking. They're loving some version of me that is imaginary, because if they only knew, they'd turn their back in disgust, because I'm a monster. I don't deserve love.
Even this bracelet, what it means. Most of the time I still catch myself thinking that somehow I stole this by tricking him into loving me.
[ She pauses there, resisting the urge to wrap this up in a nice little bow, to try to be encouraging when what MK needs is to feel heard. ]
no subject
[ She takes a moment to think before she answers, but she does reach out to hold his hand, if he'll let her. This is why she needs to do this well, to say the right things -- she has to be able to help MK without diminishing the importance of what Red Son offered her, the promises they made to each other. MK wouldn't want her to do that, she doesn't want to do that, and it wouldn't be honest if she tried. ]
...I understand. I know exactly what it's like to feel like I'm not enough. To hate myself. All the many, many, many people I killed or who died because I wasn't strong enough, other terrible things I've done that I can't take back, everyone I've disappointed, all the things I've failed at, who I am as a person and how I can never be what anyone needs or deserves... it all floats around in there, growing louder and louder, and sometimes it's too much to contain and it breaks me down from the inside so there's more room for it to grow into.
And the guilt I feel about anyone caring about me. Like I tricked them into it. If I was only less selfish, less awful, I could let them go and they'd find someone better. They deserve so much better than me. Why would they ever want me anyway? They're just settling. They're just faking. They're loving some version of me that is imaginary, because if they only knew, they'd turn their back in disgust, because I'm a monster. I don't deserve love.
Even this bracelet, what it means. Most of the time I still catch myself thinking that somehow I stole this by tricking him into loving me.
[ She pauses there, resisting the urge to wrap this up in a nice little bow, to try to be encouraging when what MK needs is to feel heard. ]
It's hard. I know it's so hard.