Eren isn't spaced out now, so he feels Reiner's hand tighten in response. They keep doing this, don't they, holding on to one another too tightly. He knows if you hold too tight then people slip through your fingers like so much sand (there's a deeper metaphor there that he can't quite reach as he is now). They do it anyway, like a lifeline.
Reiner stares at him. Eren imagines he can't comprehend the meaning, because he knows Reiner blames himself for too many things. He thinks nothing Reiner does now or will do is an apology, no more than Eren would ever utter one for his atrocity. No apology can ever being to make up for the things they have done (the things Eren will do). Somewhere, though, Reiner acknowledges that the things he's done are horrific. Isn't that why he fractured into pieces?
That's why Eren had to lock it all up, become coldly determined, blank, emotionless. There was no other way to live through it. People aren't meant to hold the things they hold, the weight of so many dead and ruined. People aren't meant to hold thousands of years of memory, either, and all the titan shifters feel that on some level. Armin talks to Annie for some reason. Eren let his hair grow long like Grisha's. Then longer, and he pulls it hair up, unwittingly reminiscent of Lara Tybur. There are other things they couldn't even guess that they do, informed by the blood from people they have consumed.
It was easier in the dark. In the dark Eren could pretend better. In the dark it felt less exposed to speak the truth. He's gotten so bad at honesty.
His eyebrows knit together watching Reiner kiss his hand. No words, just this: desperation? Reassurance? Eren doesn't quite know, but it doesn't quite matter. This is their agreement to be something else, for now, moments of stolen time. He finds it's a choice he has to make over and over. It's not something you just become: better, something other than a monster. You have to keep choosing it.
The ice makes that harder too, but he can still feel that warmth that wants to ignite inside him. They're not frozen yet, though he's not actually sure if they're helping each other (they are, or at least Reiner is helping Eren).
Reiner glances away and then back. Eren almost leans forward to actually kiss him. It's a stupid bullshit impulse and he knows that, but that knowledge isn't what stops him. The people in the next room aren't what stop him, either.
It's the cold.
He wants to kiss Reiner when they're hot enough to burn, not cold like death sits on them.
"Yeah," Eren says, reluctantly letting his fingers slip out of Reiner's again, away from his mouth and his touch.
Like so many things, back before he became the thing he is now, he speaks without thinking about it.
"Don't die. Don't die like this."
They're here for a cure, he knows, but if it doesn't work…
It has to work, he tells himself instead. Hange will make sure of it.
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Reiner stares at him. Eren imagines he can't comprehend the meaning, because he knows Reiner blames himself for too many things. He thinks nothing Reiner does now or will do is an apology, no more than Eren would ever utter one for his atrocity. No apology can ever being to make up for the things they have done (the things Eren will do). Somewhere, though, Reiner acknowledges that the things he's done are horrific. Isn't that why he fractured into pieces?
That's why Eren had to lock it all up, become coldly determined, blank, emotionless. There was no other way to live through it. People aren't meant to hold the things they hold, the weight of so many dead and ruined. People aren't meant to hold thousands of years of memory, either, and all the titan shifters feel that on some level. Armin talks to Annie for some reason. Eren let his hair grow long like Grisha's. Then longer, and he pulls it hair up, unwittingly reminiscent of Lara Tybur. There are other things they couldn't even guess that they do, informed by the blood from people they have consumed.
It was easier in the dark. In the dark Eren could pretend better. In the dark it felt less exposed to speak the truth. He's gotten so bad at honesty.
His eyebrows knit together watching Reiner kiss his hand. No words, just this: desperation? Reassurance? Eren doesn't quite know, but it doesn't quite matter. This is their agreement to be something else, for now, moments of stolen time. He finds it's a choice he has to make over and over. It's not something you just become: better, something other than a monster. You have to keep choosing it.
The ice makes that harder too, but he can still feel that warmth that wants to ignite inside him. They're not frozen yet, though he's not actually sure if they're helping each other (they are, or at least Reiner is helping Eren).
Reiner glances away and then back. Eren almost leans forward to actually kiss him. It's a stupid bullshit impulse and he knows that, but that knowledge isn't what stops him. The people in the next room aren't what stop him, either.
It's the cold.
He wants to kiss Reiner when they're hot enough to burn, not cold like death sits on them.
"Yeah," Eren says, reluctantly letting his fingers slip out of Reiner's again, away from his mouth and his touch.
Like so many things, back before he became the thing he is now, he speaks without thinking about it.
"Don't die. Don't die like this."
They're here for a cure, he knows, but if it doesn't work…
It has to work, he tells himself instead. Hange will make sure of it.