dreamsofwings: (54)
Eren Jaeger ([personal profile] dreamsofwings) wrote in [community profile] seasonsrpg 2023-08-09 02:12 am (UTC)

Eren could likely goad Reiner into cruelty if he really wanted to. He's got a way with words these days, not like Armin, but more underhanded. But in another context...there are other ways to be mean that don’t actually hurt. He's only vaguely aware of it, his own implication in his words, because he keeps doing that. He keeps pushing a button and not knowing what it does. He's never learned lessons like that very quickly.

Eren doesn't lose himself, not like Reiner does, but he loses his sense of self. Who is he without the end of the world, all the things he's done not justified but at least reasoned out? Who could he possibly be if not a genocidal monster? Who is he when he stops trying to repress all his overwhelming emotion, the connection to the people in this room and beyond it? He says he's who he's always been. He says he's not. He has no idea.

The water on Eren's hand probably doesn't do them any favours not freezing together but he doesn't even stop to think about it. He's only kept ice out of his own hair by using up all the hot water in the shower. Okay and maybe by shoving the ends under better when he pulls it up, whatever.

He actually scoffs at what Reiner says, hand tightening a little. Is it reassurance or a threat? Probably both in some way. Eren cares about Reiner and wants this thing between them to keep on going but he's always been vicious, quick to anger, rage pouring out of him like a pot boiled over.

"Yeah," he says, because he can't grant Reiner absolution anymore than Reiner can grant it to him, "But I'm worse."

As ever, there's no explanation, no further information offered or even hinted at. He's already told Reiner they're the same, because it's more or less true. Eren's half-truths are calculated, most of the time, though this one isn't. He has no ulterior motive for once when he says it. It's just how he sees it, though objectively he's probably right anyway.

Are they tied now, he wonders? He didn't end the world. He would, but he hasn't. He doesn't want to. But he did trash Liberio, and he'd do that again without a second thought.

Reiner destroyed the wall. Eren's mother was a casualty in that, an inevitable trauma that pushed Eren toward becoming what he is now. Where does that cycle end? If it doesn't end with them here and now choosing to set it aside, maybe it never can.

"I don’t forgive you," he says, "but..."

He stops, shuts his mouth. Anything he says next could be too much, and someone else might overhear, and he doesn't want that.

"I told you, right. We don’t have to be that now."

He wants to believe that. He's not sure he does entirely, but he wants to. The spark of warmth inside him stays kindled instead of going out, for now.

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