[He appreciates Saya's patience, seeing how he really isn't giving her much to work with here. He swallows an unhappy feeling as she alludes to what Hell was like. Who wouldn't reach for any kind of comfort in that kind of situation? But even regardless of that, even if she had never been through all of that, he wouldn't judge her.]
No. No, you aren't too casual.
...
I didn't mean it that way - the part about going home. I just wanted to say that you're probably only looking at the limited time we have here, not at whatever happens afterwards.
["I know you don't care about that" was a remarkably shoddy way of putting it, one of the many times his bluntness goes so far as to twist the meaning of what he's trying to get across.
He's unsatisfied with how foggy his own reasoning is. He's always disastrously out of touch with his feelings when it comes to romance, but now he stubbornly wants to get to the bottom of it. Saya is a kind and beautiful woman; why does he shy away from embracing her as a lover so much? He imagines her in Medusa's place again, getting ready to test those tea samples with him... but his mind flashes back to Rosen instead, to how drunk and devastated he was after Saya died in the experiment. From what he and Saya herself said, Hijikata pieced together a terrible scenario.
He doesn't think he could handle it. Saya's past is already so sad, the memories are heavy even for him who only saw little snippets. He simply doesn't want to go through all the worry, anxiety and pain as she struggles to avert her hibernation the loss of all her memories. He wants to keep his heart as light as it is right now. Somehow, it feels heavy enough already.
So that's it, then: His self-interest is holding him back, and the knowledge of that will hold him back in the future, because how could he take her hand only once the hardship is over? It'd be cowardly. He doesn't want to do that.]
...
I think I just don't have what it takes, Saya. I don't have a strong enough heart.
no subject
No. No, you aren't too casual.
...
I didn't mean it that way - the part about going home. I just wanted to say that you're probably only looking at the limited time we have here, not at whatever happens afterwards.
["I know you don't care about that" was a remarkably shoddy way of putting it, one of the many times his bluntness goes so far as to twist the meaning of what he's trying to get across.
He's unsatisfied with how foggy his own reasoning is. He's always disastrously out of touch with his feelings when it comes to romance, but now he stubbornly wants to get to the bottom of it. Saya is a kind and beautiful woman; why does he shy away from embracing her as a lover so much? He imagines her in Medusa's place again, getting ready to test those tea samples with him... but his mind flashes back to Rosen instead, to how drunk and devastated he was after Saya died in the experiment. From what he and Saya herself said, Hijikata pieced together a terrible scenario.
He doesn't think he could handle it. Saya's past is already so sad, the memories are heavy even for him who only saw little snippets. He simply doesn't want to go through all the worry, anxiety and pain as she struggles to avert her hibernation the loss of all her memories. He wants to keep his heart as light as it is right now. Somehow, it feels heavy enough already.
So that's it, then: His self-interest is holding him back, and the knowledge of that will hold him back in the future, because how could he take her hand only once the hardship is over? It'd be cowardly. He doesn't want to do that.]
...
I think I just don't have what it takes, Saya. I don't have a strong enough heart.