["You could try being honest"... what does she mean by that? Does she want a decisive answer as to whether he wants to become her lover? Even with her reassurance that she won't be upset regardless of his decision, it's an incredibly daunting thing to be asked, for him, much more so than she could possibly have known.]
I... I can't take responsibility. I have to go home, eventually.
[And back home in Edo he dedicated himself to the Shinsengumi. As its Vice-Commander he can't have a wife or lover; that person would be right in the enemies' crosshairs. He remembers how harshly he rejected the first woman he loved, hoping she'd quickly forget him (she didn't).]
Now, I know you don't care about that. But even here...
[He struggles for words for a very long moment. He did sleep with two people here: Eren, when they both got affected by the pollen in the Creature-Nip Meadow, and Medusa, who suggested the tea-testing quest after he complained that it paid a lot better than the quest that nearly got them both killed by wyverns. (He's substracting his fooling around with Rosen, because Rosen did dedicate himself to Saya afterwards.) There were no negative consequences... so far. He does feel more responsible for them now, despite not being in a relationship with either.
Had it been Saya in the meadow, he would have gone with her like he went with Eren. Had it been Saya who suggested the tea-testing quest instead of Medusa, he might have declined. He wonders why, but it always comes down to the same thing, doesn't it? If he has to make a clear-headed decision, he'll usually decline. In Medusa's case, their Master-Servant bond and the mana exchange offered a good enough excuse... but would he not also have been able to make the same case for Saya, especially if he had let her drink his blood on the occasion?
Perhaps he simply feels superfluous in Saya's life. She already has many lovers. But Hijikata's other lovers here so far are far from lonely; he knows that each has at least a couple of other admirers. Maybe the problem is Hijikata. Maybe he doesn't want to share his lover with so many other people. With his lack of ability for make a bond for life he certainly isn't demanding exclusivity, but he does care about feeling like he's somehow special to the other person. Isn't it damn unfair to think she wouldn't feel that way? She cares about everyone in her life, a lot. You know that.]
...
I'm sorry. I don't know.
[He thought, once upon a time, that casual sex would be easy for a man like him, but it really, really isn't.]
no subject
I... I can't take responsibility. I have to go home, eventually.
[And back home in Edo he dedicated himself to the Shinsengumi. As its Vice-Commander he can't have a wife or lover; that person would be right in the enemies' crosshairs. He remembers how harshly he rejected the first woman he loved, hoping she'd quickly forget him (she didn't).]
Now, I know you don't care about that. But even here...
[He struggles for words for a very long moment. He did sleep with two people here: Eren, when they both got affected by the pollen in the Creature-Nip Meadow, and Medusa, who suggested the tea-testing quest after he complained that it paid a lot better than the quest that nearly got them both killed by wyverns. (He's substracting his fooling around with Rosen, because Rosen did dedicate himself to Saya afterwards.) There were no negative consequences... so far. He does feel more responsible for them now, despite not being in a relationship with either.
Had it been Saya in the meadow, he would have gone with her like he went with Eren. Had it been Saya who suggested the tea-testing quest instead of Medusa, he might have declined. He wonders why, but it always comes down to the same thing, doesn't it? If he has to make a clear-headed decision, he'll usually decline. In Medusa's case, their Master-Servant bond and the mana exchange offered a good enough excuse... but would he not also have been able to make the same case for Saya, especially if he had let her drink his blood on the occasion?
Perhaps he simply feels superfluous in Saya's life. She already has many lovers. But Hijikata's other lovers here so far are far from lonely; he knows that each has at least a couple of other admirers. Maybe the problem is Hijikata. Maybe he doesn't want to share his lover with so many other people. With his lack of ability for make a bond for life he certainly isn't demanding exclusivity, but he does care about feeling like he's somehow special to the other person. Isn't it damn unfair to think she wouldn't feel that way? She cares about everyone in her life, a lot. You know that.]
...
I'm sorry. I don't know.
[He thought, once upon a time, that casual sex would be easy for a man like him, but it really, really isn't.]